i found a little of myself in the time spent with you. thank you, for helping me forget the worries and pain.

im just too lazy to edit any mistakes, pardon me. still havent got around to uploading anything/etc. it kinda sucks to have not much of an aim in mind, having an empty part lingering around you. you just don't quite know what's wrong, it's just that there's something missing, something you want, something you yearn. the problem is that you dont quite know WHAT.

i honestly am really divided between what i know i should do and i what i cant bear to do. divided between a lie and a reality. divided nicely between what i know and what i choose to believe. i wonder when one of us will truly let go of our side of this tug of war.

倒帶
作詞:方文山　作曲:周杰倫

我受夠了等待你所謂的安排　說的未來到底多久才來
總是要來不及才知道我可愛　我想依賴而你卻都不在

應該開心的地帶　你給的全是空白
一個人假日發呆　找不到人陪我看海
我在幸福的門外　卻一直都進不來　
你累積給的傷害　我是真的很難釋懷

終於看開愛回不來　而你總是太晚明白　
最後才把話說開　哭著求我留下來
終於看開愛回不來　我們面前太多阻礙　
你的手卻放不開　寧願沒出息求我別離開

你總是要我乖慢慢計劃將來　我的眼淚卻一直掉下來
過去怎麼交代你該給的信賴　被你親手緩緩推入懸崖

從我臉上的蒼白　看到記憶慢下來　
過去甜蜜在倒帶　只是感覺已經不在
而我對你的期待　被你一次次摔壞　
已經碎成太多塊　要怎麼拼湊跟重來

終於看開愛回不來　而你總是太晚明白　
最後才把話說開　哭著求我留下來
終於看開愛回不來　我們面前太多阻礙　
你的手卻放不開　寧願沒出息求我別離開

there are times in life where you come to cross roads. at that forked intersection, you see many different paths, each as hideous as the next. then you decide you shall just go back to sleep and think about it in.. maybe another decade.

and then there are times when you are just feeling utterly miserable, neurotic, insecure and unsure of what goes on next. you're tired of your life, it doesnt change. everything is freaking predictable. you do the same thing at the same time everyday and the new gossip/stuff you hear everyday are from pixels on your laptop. you want to go out, meet new people, revel in their enchanting tales and for a moment, pretend you lead a wonderous life. but no, you go out each other into the virtual world and meet... voila NEW PIXELS. so much for life.

so life continues. you know very well that you're being a bitch for kicking up sucha big fuss, for being unreasonable but at the same time he's been a total bastard. but deep in your heart the reason for the commotion is extremely if not frighteningly simple. you cannot decide if you still love him. he's horrendously boring at times, can be unopinionated and needs a big kick to get to do anything. you hate it when you do his stuff for him, but you're not exactly sure how he wants to approach it and concoct it. so you just do it. but actually his ideas and yours are worlds apart. what is fine to you isnt ok with him and the story goes on.

so it's back to the fundamental do-i-love-him-or-not. you acknowledge that you are so friggin' used to having him around, used to whining to him about the little cuts and bruises and snuggling once awhile. you miss him when he isnt around mostly because you've practically been loner most of the times.

here comes the cookie cutter:
you dont quite know if you want it to last but you cant bear to leave cos it changes your life too drastically. however, you just want to leave, move on and do something else. somehow you just cant forget the scene whereby he tells you brutally,''what makes you think i ever loved you'' and surprisingly it makes you stronger. and makes you hate him more. sometimes you deceive yourself and tell yourself that it's because you forced him into it. you wish he didnt say it, you wish he'll says it's alright, dont be angry, you wish he'll tell you not to go. but no, it aint a big box office hit and so there goes your porcelain heart.

but nothing can ever, ever, ever erase this scene from your head. like an irritating tune, it repeats. rewinds. repeat. hounding you like a throbbing headache. eating you up inside out. crawling into the depths of your brain. you draw strength from this image. you tell yourself, one day you will stand strong and tell him I DONT FREAKING HELL NEED YOU. (and you cry yourself to death at the corner.. kidding..??) unforgiveable mistake number 2.


or maybe you dont really know at all. confused thoughts make poor bedfellows. you're happier living in delusion denial and maybe you should just check yourself into a mental hospital. or you should just treat yourself to macaroons and die from being too fat.


*edit. will update with pictures from lobbybar@sheraton when i finally find the damn connection cable.