there are times in life where you come to cross roads. at that forked intersection, you see many different paths, each as hideous as the next. then you decide you shall just go back to sleep and think about it in.. maybe another decade.

and then there are times when you are just feeling utterly miserable, neurotic, insecure and unsure of what goes on next. you're tired of your life, it doesnt change. everything is freaking predictable. you do the same thing at the same time everyday and the new gossip/stuff you hear everyday are from pixels on your laptop. you want to go out, meet new people, revel in their enchanting tales and for a moment, pretend you lead a wonderous life. but no, you go out each other into the virtual world and meet... voila NEW PIXELS. so much for life.

so life continues. you know very well that you're being a bitch for kicking up sucha big fuss, for being unreasonable but at the same time he's been a total bastard. but deep in your heart the reason for the commotion is extremely if not frighteningly simple. you cannot decide if you still love him. he's horrendously boring at times, can be unopinionated and needs a big kick to get to do anything. you hate it when you do his stuff for him, but you're not exactly sure how he wants to approach it and concoct it. so you just do it. but actually his ideas and yours are worlds apart. what is fine to you isnt ok with him and the story goes on.

so it's back to the fundamental do-i-love-him-or-not. you acknowledge that you are so friggin' used to having him around, used to whining to him about the little cuts and bruises and snuggling once awhile. you miss him when he isnt around mostly because you've practically been loner most of the times.

here comes the cookie cutter:
you dont quite know if you want it to last but you cant bear to leave cos it changes your life too drastically. however, you just want to leave, move on and do something else. somehow you just cant forget the scene whereby he tells you brutally,''what makes you think i ever loved you'' and surprisingly it makes you stronger. and makes you hate him more. sometimes you deceive yourself and tell yourself that it's because you forced him into it. you wish he didnt say it, you wish he'll says it's alright, dont be angry, you wish he'll tell you not to go. but no, it aint a big box office hit and so there goes your porcelain heart.

but nothing can ever, ever, ever erase this scene from your head. like an irritating tune, it repeats. rewinds. repeat. hounding you like a throbbing headache. eating you up inside out. crawling into the depths of your brain. you draw strength from this image. you tell yourself, one day you will stand strong and tell him I DONT FREAKING HELL NEED YOU. (and you cry yourself to death at the corner.. kidding..??) unforgiveable mistake number 2.


or maybe you dont really know at all. confused thoughts make poor bedfellows. you're happier living in delusion denial and maybe you should just check yourself into a mental hospital. or you should just treat yourself to macaroons and die from being too fat.


*edit. will update with pictures from lobbybar@sheraton when i finally find the damn connection cable.