once a nanyang girl, always a nanyang girl

those 4 years spent there were the best time of my life. i still look back with much fondness and with a tinge of sadness.

but memories are either meant to be kept or forgotten. i threw many things away. i loved my school but it's time i need to face society.

i can throw 3 years away. i can throw 4 years away. you taught me to be tough, hard, cold. i am no longer the little one. you declawed the cat but the cat bites now.

[from jos]
Still reeling in from the effects of watching the anime yesterday. It's been a long time since I last cried like this, where the tears just can't be held back and the sourness spreads all the way to the fingertips. And it's been an even longer time since I last cried myself to sleep.

How is it possible for 2 people drift apart? It goes against the most basic of all human nature to want to be with that someone... but yet, it is possible for the distance to grow so naturally that it defies all common sense. First goes the meetings, then the phone calls, the late-night online conversations... and before you know it, you stop talking, even though you have each others' phone numbers, even though you're online on MSN at the same time. Even though you're studying right in NUS together.

And nothing's left.

I suddenly thought of the empty Ferrero Rocher box that Ah-ma threw away without asking me 3 years ago, but I can't remember the words that was painted on the cover with glass paint anymore. I thought of the card that I never had the courage to send... but it doesn't matter anymore.

Don't know why, but I suddenly have the old urge to hug my square pillow, even though it hasn't been washed for ages.

Anyway, here's the theme song from 5 Centimeters Per Second... which is stuck in my head with all my other thoughts, memories and regrets.

-- Masayoshi Yamazaki

いつでも探しているよ　どっかに君の姿を
Itsudemo sagashite iru yo, dokka ni kimi no sugata wo
I’m always searching, for your figure to appear somewhere
向いのホーム　路地裏の窓
Mukai no HOOMU, rojiura no mado
On the opposite platform, in the windows off the street
こんなとこにいるはずもないのに
Konna toko ni iru hazu mo nai no ni
Even though I know you couldn’t be at such a place
願いがもしも叶うなら　今すぐ君のもとへ
Negai ga moshimo kanau nara, imasugu kimi no moto e
If my wish were to come true, I would be at your side right now
できないことは　もう何もない
Dekinai koto wa, mou nanimo nai
There would be nothing I couldn’t do
全てかけて抱きしめてみせるよ
Subete kakete dakishimete miseru yo
I would put everything on the line and hold you tight

寂しさ紛らすだけなら　誰でもいいはずなのに　
Sabishisa magirasu dake nara, dare demo ii hazu na no ni
If I just wanted to avoid loneliness, anybody would have been enough
星が落ちそうな夜だから　自分を偽れない
Hoshi ga ochisou na yoru dakara, jibun wo itsuwarenai
Because the night looks like the stars will fall, I cannot lie to myself
One more time　季節ようつろわないで
One more time, kisetsu yo utsurowanaide
One more time, oh seasons, fade not
One more time　ふざけあった時間よ
One more time, fuzake atta jikan yo
One more time, when we were messing around

いつでも探しているよ　どっかに君の姿を
Itsudemo sagashite iru yo, dokka ni kimi no sugata wo
I’m always searching, for your figure to appear somewhere
交差点でも　夢の中でも
Kousaten demo, yume no naka demo
At a street crossing, in the midst of dreams
こんなとこにいるはずもないのに
Konna toko ni iru hazu mo nai no ni
Even though I know you couldn’t be at such a place
奇跡がもしも起こるなら　今すぐ君に見せたい
Kiseki ga moshimo okoru nara, imasugu kimi ni misetai
If a miracle were to happen here, I would show you right away
新しい朝　これからの僕
Atarashii asa, korekara no boku
The new morning, the who I’ll be from now on
言えなかった好きという言葉も
Ienakatta suki to iu kotoba mo
And the words I never said: “I love you”

夏の想い出がまわる
Natsu no omoide ga mawaru
The memories of summer are revolving
ふいに消えた鼓動
Fui ni kieta kodou
The throbbing which suddenly disappeared

いつでも探しているよ　どっかに君の姿を
Itsudemo sagashite iru yo, dokka ni kimi no sugata wo
I’m always searching, for your figure to appear somewhere
明け方の街　桜木町で
Akegata no machi, sakuragi-chou de
At dawn on the streets, at Sakuragi-cho
こんなとこに来るはずもないのに
Konna toko ni kuru hazu mo nai no ni
Even though I know you wouldn't come to such a place
願いがもしも叶うなら　今すぐ君のもとへ
Negai ga moshimo kanau nara, imasugu kimi no moto e
If my wish were to come true, I would be at your side right now
できないことは　もう何もない
Dekinai koto wa mou nanimo nai
There would be nothing I couldn’t do
全てかけて抱きしめてみせるよ
Subete kakete dakishimete miseru yo
I would put everything on the line and hold you tight

いつでも探しているよ　どっかに君の破片を
Itsudemo sagashite iru yo, dokka ni kimi no kakera wo
I’m always searching, for fragments of you to appear somewhere
旅先の店　新聞の隅
Tabisaki no mise, shinbun no sumi
In a store during my travels, in the corner of the newspaper
こんなとこにあるはずもないのに
Konna toko ni aru hazu mo nai no ni
Even though I know you wouldn’t be at such a place
奇跡がもしも起こるなら　今すぐ君に見せたい
Kiseki ga moshimo okoru nara, imasugu kimi ni misetai
If a miracle were to happen here, I would show you right away
新しい朝　これからの僕
Atarashii asa, kore kara no boku
The new morning, the who I’ll be from now on
言えなかった好きという言葉も
Ienakatta suki to iu kotoba mo
And the words I never said: “I love you”

いつでも探してしまう　どっかに君の笑顔を
Itsudemo sagashite shimau, dokka ni kimi no egao wo
I always end up looking, for your smile to appear somewhere
急行待ちの　踏切あたり
Kyuukou machi no, fumikiri atari
At the railroad crossing, waiting for the express to pass
こんなとこにいるはずもないのに
Konna toko ni iru hazu mo nai no ni
Even though I know you couldn’t be at such a place
命が繰り返すならば　何度も君のもとへ
Inochi ga kurikaesu naraba, nandomo kimi no moto e
If our lives could be repeated, I would be at your side every time
欲しいものなど　もう何もない
Hoshii mono nado mou nanimo nai
I would want nothing else
君のほかに大切なものなど
Kimi no hoka ni taisetsu na mono nado
Nothing else matters except for you

i will never show my pain. i stopped looking for it. no point looking for something that doesnt exist. i never want to believe anymore. it doesnt matter. i know you were angry. but honest words will remain honest words.