maybe fundamentally you dont understand. you dont know the problems and frustrations im going through. i play the game merely to escape from reality. i play it because i dont want to lose the only person i think i can attempt to hold on to. or maybe it's all a lie. there is no one to hold on to in the first place. im not crying because you dont allow me to play. im crying because there are so many questions unresolved, clogging up within me. it's not like i never do my work, i never do my projects. i do factor in time for them. in fact i factor quite a fair bit.

as for getting a job, you think all i am doing is playing. im an adult so i shouldnt be playing. now when finally im spending my leisure time doing useless things, you scold me. when im spending my leisure time doing USEFUL things, you also scold me. your other daughter spends her leisure time doing useless/useful things, you just let her be. when i speak of doing investment, buying a house as an investment, looking at cars, thinking of stock markets, all you think of it.. I AM GOING TO CHEAT YOU OF YOUR MONEY. fine.

when i was in primary5, days where children play and have fun, i was more worried about scoring less than 91 marks. cos that meant that i will get canned terribly when i reached home. you claimed you dont remember anymore, but those times will remain etched within me. i never had a childhood. in some ways, you could say, that's why i never grew up. you're supposed to trust your family and etc, but all i saw was when you were in favour, you get the cash, you get the attention. when you were not the favourite child, you had all privileges taken away. there was no consistency in parenting, no consistency in rewards-behaviour system.

i learnt never to trust your words.
in fact, i learnt never to trust anyone.

when i lied abt i had class, well, i didnt lie that i had class, but rather i didnt mention that class was cancelled. i wanted to go school to play. i wanted to climb the monkey bars, play crocodile with my classmates, throw paper planes. when you found out i didnt say that class was cancelled, you hauled me back home and canned me. i remembered entering school that day extremely embarrassed to be looking like a zebra. that very day, we were split into groups to discuss about the planets. my group did on saturn. i volunteered to share my findings in front of the class. initially i hid my arms behind my back. after awhile, i decided, whatever for. i got canned. i am the girl that never did badly, never flouted any rules. and bloody hell i got canned for wanting to play. i swore the teacher was afraid to let me go up there.

in secondary school, i wanted to pursue CO, pursue erhu. you complained about the late hours and etc. i felt alive for once as part of nyco. it was my life, my everything. (HELLO IT WASNT EVEN SOMETHING USELESS). you kept complaining it took up a lot of time, i was wasting time and you didnt want to let me go. you refused to let me take up private lessons. you wanted me to finish my piano. so fine, i took BOTH erhu AND piano simultaneously. and guess what, i did all my work on time=) and you still scolded me. wow.

in jc, my friends were going out, late, to places and everywhere. you gave me ridiculous curfews and standards. fine. your argument was that it was time wasting and etc. but HELLO it was the first 3 months. where u could just PLAY. and i was not allowed to have some fun.

now, finally im in university. during the days of hall was the most fun i've ever had. extreme freedom. and surprisingly, i scored quite well. year 2 was a bad year as i was constantly relocating. year 3 sem1.. there were the fights... as usual.

in a frantic bid not to become the type of mother that my grandmother is, my mum has inevitably turned into the exact replica of my grandmother. $_$ and controlling. things will work out eventually. I HOPE I NEVER BECOME THE PERSON MY MUM IS. on hindsight, it was extremely useful to use her against herself.

and for the record, when you threaten to take away my laptop, my reaction isnt, wah i cant game.. it's WTF my FYP.


i sincerely apologise for bad grammer but my thoughts are faster than my fingers.