i miss my wooden stick and my fiddle. somehow, our love affair didnt last long. illicit it may have been, passionate but i was unable to commit in the long term even though it might turn out good and wonderful. it had a future. i was groomed to be up and coming.

but before i reached anywhere near the top, i decided to turn back.

please dont ask me why anymore. it was a very painful decision. i've never had such love with ivory keys.

i have my own reasons for giving up. even if it meant it felt like giving part of myself away.

you will never understand what it feels like, standing in front of 700 hundred people. hearing the sound of something you've created. the fear of failing. the fear of being laughed at. the relief. the joy. the sense of achievement. the courage to say yes.

it's over. it's not that i did not take chance of this opportunity. no one understood the pressure. the gruelling idea of practice. 2hours a day. no one understood the solitude required. no one understood the world. there was no support from my mum. and that hurt the most. when i was crazy in pursuing my dream, she cut me from it.

i dont want to take part in the politics either. i just want to be me and my stick. that something a lot of people dont understand. i dont know how to make them understand either.

when i give up part of my soul. i will never take it back.