so what if we drift apart. somehow it doesnt really affect me much.
and so you dont sms. oh i actually didnt realise.
so, i didnt see you this weekend. and then?
so what if we're staying cos we are too lazy to move?

there's nothing i can do to prevent everything from slipping away.
so, cheers!

*shrugs. life still goes on, kiddo.

i feel the same every morning when i open my eyes. sometimes i dont even remember you until my day ends. you've just quietly faded into the background.

i dont like normalcy. but you are the exact epitome of it.

i really hate it when time is a big defining factor and you freaking drag it. i know very well you will lose out when you drag too long. you might as fucking well tell me to do it. then i dont have to attempt to settle this and worry im gonna freaking fail my exam.

I AM REALLY TIRED AND PISSED OFF. go away. whatever i wanna do, it doesnt match YOUR lifestyle, YOUR culture, YOUR values.

so you gonna tell me its a waste of money and boring? you dont go la.

till tdy, i rmb the days when i wanted to spend some time with my family. just because i cldnt bloody hell entertain you, you had to go spend time with her just 'cause you are bored and i cldnt accompany you.

i really got enough ok.

just because i dont really care about MU or LP

i am the same yet i am so different from 5 years ago.

why am i just so different from everyone else? i can never fathom.
my life, well, just aint the same. so many things to hide. so many things to fear.
so many things left unspoken.

the stark silence hovers menacingly.
did you know what that means? neither do i.

craving for attention yet wanting to be alone.
its tough being a living paradox.

you arent ever sure of what you ever wanted to be.
life is just too random

as random as listening to 8 guys talking about soccer and just smiling like you know what they said and then someone discovering you're lost and you realise, hey, he's lost too.
that's like.. the most random thing. its so random you go back to smiling and pretending and hoping they'll gonna stop arguing over Man U n Liverpool so you can endure your pounding headache in deafening silence.

i'm so totally over mooncakes. dont wanna eat another one!!

and no. food poisoning is the WORST way to lose weight. and KFC SUCKS.

it has come to point where it doesnt matter whether you have a shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to, someone just to hug you when your world comes crashing down.

IT DOESNT MATTER.

why?

'cause there aint anyone there at all.

all you need is a good half an hr in the toilet, letting it all go and telling yourself, its ok, you're going to survive. since it's already rock bottom, it can only go up.

i wonder how many people can actually do that.


yesterday i learnt NEVER to believe that anyone will be there for me.
i learnt that so what if you are feeling lousy. it doesnt allow you to sulk and sulk for just the evening. eventually you must even brace yourself up even though you're crumbling inside.

today i realise im stronger than ever. because i dont need you to be there anymore. because your words just portray what you feel: " oh, you mean you didnt know? welcome to the truth"

the stronger i am, the more i cage myself away from you. no point believing anymore.

Today I chanced upon an old friend's blog. she has taken up ballet and is now in the United States dancing ?! zomg. how people really change. i see my old friends, chasing after what they want, doing things i can only think of. and what am i doing, stuck in an office job, dreaming of an escape.

sometimes i feel that i am holding myself back. but at the same time, its exactly chasing after ideals that land you no where... and then if you dont chase them, you are as good as giving up your dreams. life's a funny paradox. is there really no choice after all?

you might ask, how can i nullify 4 years just like this? you've forgotten how girls can delete everything from memory, from their hearts. when you really dont want to walk the same path anymore, when you have enough of being a brat, you just block everything out. you cage it up, put it aside, and pretend it never exists. i owe you a lifetime. but i dont want to be with you for a lifetime.

the heart is a funny thing. but for now, im numb.

i dont want to read too deep into it. but im not the only one that has realized.

post break up:

dont know if you think its just another fight or really mean what you've said.
i still have that sms. i still pinch myself to see if its real.
but since things have come this way, it comes to a point in time that i can just walk away, i think, you have to accept it too.
as a friend i am still here. but nothing more than that.

i really dont think its meant to be. i dont see us in the long term.

if u must, leave it fate. if its yours, it will be. if it isnt, let it go.



therapy:
half a pint of chocolate+durian ice cream
nonsensical eating
2 boxes of tissue
a few packets of biscuit
finally waking up

sometimes you need to realise that it's time to say goodbye and stick to it. when paths no longer merge but divert into new beginnings, learn to recognise it.