曲名:我不难过 歌手:孙燕姿
作词:杨明学 作曲:李偲松
又站在你家的门口我们重复沉默
这样子单方面的守候
还能多久
终于你开口向我述说他有多温柔
虽然你还握著我的手,
但我已不在你心中
我真的懂 你不是喜新厌旧
是我 没有
陪在你身边当你寂寞时候
别再看著我说著你爱过 别太伤痛
我不难过 这不算什么
只是为什么眼泪会流我也不懂
就让我走 让我开始享受自由
回忆很多 你的影子也会充满我生活
我并不懦弱 你比谁都懂
虽然寂寞 这会是我 最后的宽容
抱紧我 再抱紧我
这一份感动 就请你让我留在胸口
别再说 是你的错
爱到了尽头 是非对错
就让它随风 忘了所有 过的比你快活
真的懂 你不是喜新厌旧
不要再说 或许这是最好的结果
现在分手 总好过你不爱我一拖再拖
松开你的手 离开你左右
我向前走 这会是我真正的解脱
maybe, at that time when you told me, she entertains you more than me and she never bites and never creates a lot of trouble, i should have just gone? hmm. things have come so far.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
i chose not to continue with private lessons
i choose not to go lse
i have my own reasons. dont worry. i know what is responsibility. i know you just want to make sure i dont just run away and forget about family. i know you're thinking about $_$. not everyone is motivated by money.
but you dont know what makes me the happiest.
i choose not to go lse
i have my own reasons. dont worry. i know what is responsibility. i know you just want to make sure i dont just run away and forget about family. i know you're thinking about $_$. not everyone is motivated by money.
but you dont know what makes me the happiest.
Monday, February 16, 2009
i miss my wooden stick and my fiddle. somehow, our love affair didnt last long. illicit it may have been, passionate but i was unable to commit in the long term even though it might turn out good and wonderful. it had a future. i was groomed to be up and coming.
but before i reached anywhere near the top, i decided to turn back.
please dont ask me why anymore. it was a very painful decision. i've never had such love with ivory keys.
i have my own reasons for giving up. even if it meant it felt like giving part of myself away.
you will never understand what it feels like, standing in front of 700 hundred people. hearing the sound of something you've created. the fear of failing. the fear of being laughed at. the relief. the joy. the sense of achievement. the courage to say yes.
it's over. it's not that i did not take chance of this opportunity. no one understood the pressure. the gruelling idea of practice. 2hours a day. no one understood the solitude required. no one understood the world. there was no support from my mum. and that hurt the most. when i was crazy in pursuing my dream, she cut me from it.
i dont want to take part in the politics either. i just want to be me and my stick. that something a lot of people dont understand. i dont know how to make them understand either.
when i give up part of my soul. i will never take it back.
but before i reached anywhere near the top, i decided to turn back.
please dont ask me why anymore. it was a very painful decision. i've never had such love with ivory keys.
i have my own reasons for giving up. even if it meant it felt like giving part of myself away.
you will never understand what it feels like, standing in front of 700 hundred people. hearing the sound of something you've created. the fear of failing. the fear of being laughed at. the relief. the joy. the sense of achievement. the courage to say yes.
it's over. it's not that i did not take chance of this opportunity. no one understood the pressure. the gruelling idea of practice. 2hours a day. no one understood the solitude required. no one understood the world. there was no support from my mum. and that hurt the most. when i was crazy in pursuing my dream, she cut me from it.
i dont want to take part in the politics either. i just want to be me and my stick. that something a lot of people dont understand. i dont know how to make them understand either.
when i give up part of my soul. i will never take it back.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
in a twist of events, it hasnt come full circle. it has merely returned to the initial starting point. and there i am again, staring dejectedly. because i dont know what you want and i dont know what to do.
we shape our own destiny. or does our destiny shape us? are we merely heading towards something pre-decided, pre-calculated? as much as we try to argue, can we only merely change the process and not the outcome?
apparently, my actions and words have not been enough to deter the outcome. it still has come back to the same outcome.
a case of self-fulfilling prophecy? or just plain dumbness.
we shape our own destiny. or does our destiny shape us? are we merely heading towards something pre-decided, pre-calculated? as much as we try to argue, can we only merely change the process and not the outcome?
apparently, my actions and words have not been enough to deter the outcome. it still has come back to the same outcome.
a case of self-fulfilling prophecy? or just plain dumbness.
Monday, February 9, 2009
maybe fundamentally you dont understand. you dont know the problems and frustrations im going through. i play the game merely to escape from reality. i play it because i dont want to lose the only person i think i can attempt to hold on to. or maybe it's all a lie. there is no one to hold on to in the first place. im not crying because you dont allow me to play. im crying because there are so many questions unresolved, clogging up within me. it's not like i never do my work, i never do my projects. i do factor in time for them. in fact i factor quite a fair bit.
as for getting a job, you think all i am doing is playing. im an adult so i shouldnt be playing. now when finally im spending my leisure time doing useless things, you scold me. when im spending my leisure time doing USEFUL things, you also scold me. your other daughter spends her leisure time doing useless/useful things, you just let her be. when i speak of doing investment, buying a house as an investment, looking at cars, thinking of stock markets, all you think of it.. I AM GOING TO CHEAT YOU OF YOUR MONEY. fine.
when i was in primary5, days where children play and have fun, i was more worried about scoring less than 91 marks. cos that meant that i will get canned terribly when i reached home. you claimed you dont remember anymore, but those times will remain etched within me. i never had a childhood. in some ways, you could say, that's why i never grew up. you're supposed to trust your family and etc, but all i saw was when you were in favour, you get the cash, you get the attention. when you were not the favourite child, you had all privileges taken away. there was no consistency in parenting, no consistency in rewards-behaviour system.
i learnt never to trust your words.
in fact, i learnt never to trust anyone.
when i lied abt i had class, well, i didnt lie that i had class, but rather i didnt mention that class was cancelled. i wanted to go school to play. i wanted to climb the monkey bars, play crocodile with my classmates, throw paper planes. when you found out i didnt say that class was cancelled, you hauled me back home and canned me. i remembered entering school that day extremely embarrassed to be looking like a zebra. that very day, we were split into groups to discuss about the planets. my group did on saturn. i volunteered to share my findings in front of the class. initially i hid my arms behind my back. after awhile, i decided, whatever for. i got canned. i am the girl that never did badly, never flouted any rules. and bloody hell i got canned for wanting to play. i swore the teacher was afraid to let me go up there.
in secondary school, i wanted to pursue CO, pursue erhu. you complained about the late hours and etc. i felt alive for once as part of nyco. it was my life, my everything. (HELLO IT WASNT EVEN SOMETHING USELESS). you kept complaining it took up a lot of time, i was wasting time and you didnt want to let me go. you refused to let me take up private lessons. you wanted me to finish my piano. so fine, i took BOTH erhu AND piano simultaneously. and guess what, i did all my work on time=) and you still scolded me. wow.
in jc, my friends were going out, late, to places and everywhere. you gave me ridiculous curfews and standards. fine. your argument was that it was time wasting and etc. but HELLO it was the first 3 months. where u could just PLAY. and i was not allowed to have some fun.
now, finally im in university. during the days of hall was the most fun i've ever had. extreme freedom. and surprisingly, i scored quite well. year 2 was a bad year as i was constantly relocating. year 3 sem1.. there were the fights... as usual.
in a frantic bid not to become the type of mother that my grandmother is, my mum has inevitably turned into the exact replica of my grandmother. $_$ and controlling. things will work out eventually. I HOPE I NEVER BECOME THE PERSON MY MUM IS. on hindsight, it was extremely useful to use her against herself.
and for the record, when you threaten to take away my laptop, my reaction isnt, wah i cant game.. it's WTF my FYP.
i sincerely apologise for bad grammer but my thoughts are faster than my fingers.
as for getting a job, you think all i am doing is playing. im an adult so i shouldnt be playing. now when finally im spending my leisure time doing useless things, you scold me. when im spending my leisure time doing USEFUL things, you also scold me. your other daughter spends her leisure time doing useless/useful things, you just let her be. when i speak of doing investment, buying a house as an investment, looking at cars, thinking of stock markets, all you think of it.. I AM GOING TO CHEAT YOU OF YOUR MONEY. fine.
when i was in primary5, days where children play and have fun, i was more worried about scoring less than 91 marks. cos that meant that i will get canned terribly when i reached home. you claimed you dont remember anymore, but those times will remain etched within me. i never had a childhood. in some ways, you could say, that's why i never grew up. you're supposed to trust your family and etc, but all i saw was when you were in favour, you get the cash, you get the attention. when you were not the favourite child, you had all privileges taken away. there was no consistency in parenting, no consistency in rewards-behaviour system.
i learnt never to trust your words.
in fact, i learnt never to trust anyone.
when i lied abt i had class, well, i didnt lie that i had class, but rather i didnt mention that class was cancelled. i wanted to go school to play. i wanted to climb the monkey bars, play crocodile with my classmates, throw paper planes. when you found out i didnt say that class was cancelled, you hauled me back home and canned me. i remembered entering school that day extremely embarrassed to be looking like a zebra. that very day, we were split into groups to discuss about the planets. my group did on saturn. i volunteered to share my findings in front of the class. initially i hid my arms behind my back. after awhile, i decided, whatever for. i got canned. i am the girl that never did badly, never flouted any rules. and bloody hell i got canned for wanting to play. i swore the teacher was afraid to let me go up there.
in secondary school, i wanted to pursue CO, pursue erhu. you complained about the late hours and etc. i felt alive for once as part of nyco. it was my life, my everything. (HELLO IT WASNT EVEN SOMETHING USELESS). you kept complaining it took up a lot of time, i was wasting time and you didnt want to let me go. you refused to let me take up private lessons. you wanted me to finish my piano. so fine, i took BOTH erhu AND piano simultaneously. and guess what, i did all my work on time=) and you still scolded me. wow.
in jc, my friends were going out, late, to places and everywhere. you gave me ridiculous curfews and standards. fine. your argument was that it was time wasting and etc. but HELLO it was the first 3 months. where u could just PLAY. and i was not allowed to have some fun.
now, finally im in university. during the days of hall was the most fun i've ever had. extreme freedom. and surprisingly, i scored quite well. year 2 was a bad year as i was constantly relocating. year 3 sem1.. there were the fights... as usual.
in a frantic bid not to become the type of mother that my grandmother is, my mum has inevitably turned into the exact replica of my grandmother. $_$ and controlling. things will work out eventually. I HOPE I NEVER BECOME THE PERSON MY MUM IS. on hindsight, it was extremely useful to use her against herself.
and for the record, when you threaten to take away my laptop, my reaction isnt, wah i cant game.. it's WTF my FYP.
i sincerely apologise for bad grammer but my thoughts are faster than my fingers.
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