i chose not to continue with private lessons
i choose not to go lse
i have my own reasons. dont worry. i know what is responsibility. i know you just want to make sure i dont just run away and forget about family. i know you're thinking about $_$. not everyone is motivated by money.
but you dont know what makes me the happiest.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
i miss my wooden stick and my fiddle. somehow, our love affair didnt last long. illicit it may have been, passionate but i was unable to commit in the long term even though it might turn out good and wonderful. it had a future. i was groomed to be up and coming.
but before i reached anywhere near the top, i decided to turn back.
please dont ask me why anymore. it was a very painful decision. i've never had such love with ivory keys.
i have my own reasons for giving up. even if it meant it felt like giving part of myself away.
you will never understand what it feels like, standing in front of 700 hundred people. hearing the sound of something you've created. the fear of failing. the fear of being laughed at. the relief. the joy. the sense of achievement. the courage to say yes.
it's over. it's not that i did not take chance of this opportunity. no one understood the pressure. the gruelling idea of practice. 2hours a day. no one understood the solitude required. no one understood the world. there was no support from my mum. and that hurt the most. when i was crazy in pursuing my dream, she cut me from it.
i dont want to take part in the politics either. i just want to be me and my stick. that something a lot of people dont understand. i dont know how to make them understand either.
when i give up part of my soul. i will never take it back.
but before i reached anywhere near the top, i decided to turn back.
please dont ask me why anymore. it was a very painful decision. i've never had such love with ivory keys.
i have my own reasons for giving up. even if it meant it felt like giving part of myself away.
you will never understand what it feels like, standing in front of 700 hundred people. hearing the sound of something you've created. the fear of failing. the fear of being laughed at. the relief. the joy. the sense of achievement. the courage to say yes.
it's over. it's not that i did not take chance of this opportunity. no one understood the pressure. the gruelling idea of practice. 2hours a day. no one understood the solitude required. no one understood the world. there was no support from my mum. and that hurt the most. when i was crazy in pursuing my dream, she cut me from it.
i dont want to take part in the politics either. i just want to be me and my stick. that something a lot of people dont understand. i dont know how to make them understand either.
when i give up part of my soul. i will never take it back.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
in a twist of events, it hasnt come full circle. it has merely returned to the initial starting point. and there i am again, staring dejectedly. because i dont know what you want and i dont know what to do.
we shape our own destiny. or does our destiny shape us? are we merely heading towards something pre-decided, pre-calculated? as much as we try to argue, can we only merely change the process and not the outcome?
apparently, my actions and words have not been enough to deter the outcome. it still has come back to the same outcome.
a case of self-fulfilling prophecy? or just plain dumbness.
we shape our own destiny. or does our destiny shape us? are we merely heading towards something pre-decided, pre-calculated? as much as we try to argue, can we only merely change the process and not the outcome?
apparently, my actions and words have not been enough to deter the outcome. it still has come back to the same outcome.
a case of self-fulfilling prophecy? or just plain dumbness.
Monday, February 9, 2009
maybe fundamentally you dont understand. you dont know the problems and frustrations im going through. i play the game merely to escape from reality. i play it because i dont want to lose the only person i think i can attempt to hold on to. or maybe it's all a lie. there is no one to hold on to in the first place. im not crying because you dont allow me to play. im crying because there are so many questions unresolved, clogging up within me. it's not like i never do my work, i never do my projects. i do factor in time for them. in fact i factor quite a fair bit.
as for getting a job, you think all i am doing is playing. im an adult so i shouldnt be playing. now when finally im spending my leisure time doing useless things, you scold me. when im spending my leisure time doing USEFUL things, you also scold me. your other daughter spends her leisure time doing useless/useful things, you just let her be. when i speak of doing investment, buying a house as an investment, looking at cars, thinking of stock markets, all you think of it.. I AM GOING TO CHEAT YOU OF YOUR MONEY. fine.
when i was in primary5, days where children play and have fun, i was more worried about scoring less than 91 marks. cos that meant that i will get canned terribly when i reached home. you claimed you dont remember anymore, but those times will remain etched within me. i never had a childhood. in some ways, you could say, that's why i never grew up. you're supposed to trust your family and etc, but all i saw was when you were in favour, you get the cash, you get the attention. when you were not the favourite child, you had all privileges taken away. there was no consistency in parenting, no consistency in rewards-behaviour system.
i learnt never to trust your words.
in fact, i learnt never to trust anyone.
when i lied abt i had class, well, i didnt lie that i had class, but rather i didnt mention that class was cancelled. i wanted to go school to play. i wanted to climb the monkey bars, play crocodile with my classmates, throw paper planes. when you found out i didnt say that class was cancelled, you hauled me back home and canned me. i remembered entering school that day extremely embarrassed to be looking like a zebra. that very day, we were split into groups to discuss about the planets. my group did on saturn. i volunteered to share my findings in front of the class. initially i hid my arms behind my back. after awhile, i decided, whatever for. i got canned. i am the girl that never did badly, never flouted any rules. and bloody hell i got canned for wanting to play. i swore the teacher was afraid to let me go up there.
in secondary school, i wanted to pursue CO, pursue erhu. you complained about the late hours and etc. i felt alive for once as part of nyco. it was my life, my everything. (HELLO IT WASNT EVEN SOMETHING USELESS). you kept complaining it took up a lot of time, i was wasting time and you didnt want to let me go. you refused to let me take up private lessons. you wanted me to finish my piano. so fine, i took BOTH erhu AND piano simultaneously. and guess what, i did all my work on time=) and you still scolded me. wow.
in jc, my friends were going out, late, to places and everywhere. you gave me ridiculous curfews and standards. fine. your argument was that it was time wasting and etc. but HELLO it was the first 3 months. where u could just PLAY. and i was not allowed to have some fun.
now, finally im in university. during the days of hall was the most fun i've ever had. extreme freedom. and surprisingly, i scored quite well. year 2 was a bad year as i was constantly relocating. year 3 sem1.. there were the fights... as usual.
in a frantic bid not to become the type of mother that my grandmother is, my mum has inevitably turned into the exact replica of my grandmother. $_$ and controlling. things will work out eventually. I HOPE I NEVER BECOME THE PERSON MY MUM IS. on hindsight, it was extremely useful to use her against herself.
and for the record, when you threaten to take away my laptop, my reaction isnt, wah i cant game.. it's WTF my FYP.
i sincerely apologise for bad grammer but my thoughts are faster than my fingers.
as for getting a job, you think all i am doing is playing. im an adult so i shouldnt be playing. now when finally im spending my leisure time doing useless things, you scold me. when im spending my leisure time doing USEFUL things, you also scold me. your other daughter spends her leisure time doing useless/useful things, you just let her be. when i speak of doing investment, buying a house as an investment, looking at cars, thinking of stock markets, all you think of it.. I AM GOING TO CHEAT YOU OF YOUR MONEY. fine.
when i was in primary5, days where children play and have fun, i was more worried about scoring less than 91 marks. cos that meant that i will get canned terribly when i reached home. you claimed you dont remember anymore, but those times will remain etched within me. i never had a childhood. in some ways, you could say, that's why i never grew up. you're supposed to trust your family and etc, but all i saw was when you were in favour, you get the cash, you get the attention. when you were not the favourite child, you had all privileges taken away. there was no consistency in parenting, no consistency in rewards-behaviour system.
i learnt never to trust your words.
in fact, i learnt never to trust anyone.
when i lied abt i had class, well, i didnt lie that i had class, but rather i didnt mention that class was cancelled. i wanted to go school to play. i wanted to climb the monkey bars, play crocodile with my classmates, throw paper planes. when you found out i didnt say that class was cancelled, you hauled me back home and canned me. i remembered entering school that day extremely embarrassed to be looking like a zebra. that very day, we were split into groups to discuss about the planets. my group did on saturn. i volunteered to share my findings in front of the class. initially i hid my arms behind my back. after awhile, i decided, whatever for. i got canned. i am the girl that never did badly, never flouted any rules. and bloody hell i got canned for wanting to play. i swore the teacher was afraid to let me go up there.
in secondary school, i wanted to pursue CO, pursue erhu. you complained about the late hours and etc. i felt alive for once as part of nyco. it was my life, my everything. (HELLO IT WASNT EVEN SOMETHING USELESS). you kept complaining it took up a lot of time, i was wasting time and you didnt want to let me go. you refused to let me take up private lessons. you wanted me to finish my piano. so fine, i took BOTH erhu AND piano simultaneously. and guess what, i did all my work on time=) and you still scolded me. wow.
in jc, my friends were going out, late, to places and everywhere. you gave me ridiculous curfews and standards. fine. your argument was that it was time wasting and etc. but HELLO it was the first 3 months. where u could just PLAY. and i was not allowed to have some fun.
now, finally im in university. during the days of hall was the most fun i've ever had. extreme freedom. and surprisingly, i scored quite well. year 2 was a bad year as i was constantly relocating. year 3 sem1.. there were the fights... as usual.
in a frantic bid not to become the type of mother that my grandmother is, my mum has inevitably turned into the exact replica of my grandmother. $_$ and controlling. things will work out eventually. I HOPE I NEVER BECOME THE PERSON MY MUM IS. on hindsight, it was extremely useful to use her against herself.
and for the record, when you threaten to take away my laptop, my reaction isnt, wah i cant game.. it's WTF my FYP.
i sincerely apologise for bad grammer but my thoughts are faster than my fingers.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
once a nanyang girl, always a nanyang girl
those 4 years spent there were the best time of my life. i still look back with much fondness and with a tinge of sadness.
but memories are either meant to be kept or forgotten. i threw many things away. i loved my school but it's time i need to face society.
i can throw 3 years away. i can throw 4 years away. you taught me to be tough, hard, cold. i am no longer the little one. you declawed the cat but the cat bites now.
[from jos]
Still reeling in from the effects of watching the anime yesterday. It's been a long time since I last cried like this, where the tears just can't be held back and the sourness spreads all the way to the fingertips. And it's been an even longer time since I last cried myself to sleep.
How is it possible for 2 people drift apart? It goes against the most basic of all human nature to want to be with that someone... but yet, it is possible for the distance to grow so naturally that it defies all common sense. First goes the meetings, then the phone calls, the late-night online conversations... and before you know it, you stop talking, even though you have each others' phone numbers, even though you're online on MSN at the same time. Even though you're studying right in NUS together.
And nothing's left.
I suddenly thought of the empty Ferrero Rocher box that Ah-ma threw away without asking me 3 years ago, but I can't remember the words that was painted on the cover with glass paint anymore. I thought of the card that I never had the courage to send... but it doesn't matter anymore.
Don't know why, but I suddenly have the old urge to hug my square pillow, even though it hasn't been washed for ages.
Anyway, here's the theme song from 5 Centimeters Per Second... which is stuck in my head with all my other thoughts, memories and regrets.
i will never show my pain. i stopped looking for it. no point looking for something that doesnt exist. i never want to believe anymore. it doesnt matter. i know you were angry. but honest words will remain honest words.
those 4 years spent there were the best time of my life. i still look back with much fondness and with a tinge of sadness.
but memories are either meant to be kept or forgotten. i threw many things away. i loved my school but it's time i need to face society.
i can throw 3 years away. i can throw 4 years away. you taught me to be tough, hard, cold. i am no longer the little one. you declawed the cat but the cat bites now.
[from jos]
Still reeling in from the effects of watching the anime yesterday. It's been a long time since I last cried like this, where the tears just can't be held back and the sourness spreads all the way to the fingertips. And it's been an even longer time since I last cried myself to sleep.
How is it possible for 2 people drift apart? It goes against the most basic of all human nature to want to be with that someone... but yet, it is possible for the distance to grow so naturally that it defies all common sense. First goes the meetings, then the phone calls, the late-night online conversations... and before you know it, you stop talking, even though you have each others' phone numbers, even though you're online on MSN at the same time. Even though you're studying right in NUS together.
And nothing's left.
I suddenly thought of the empty Ferrero Rocher box that Ah-ma threw away without asking me 3 years ago, but I can't remember the words that was painted on the cover with glass paint anymore. I thought of the card that I never had the courage to send... but it doesn't matter anymore.
Don't know why, but I suddenly have the old urge to hug my square pillow, even though it hasn't been washed for ages.
Anyway, here's the theme song from 5 Centimeters Per Second... which is stuck in my head with all my other thoughts, memories and regrets.
-- Masayoshi Yamazaki いつでも探しているよ どっかに君の姿を
Itsudemo sagashite iru yo, dokka ni kimi no sugata wo
I’m always searching, for your figure to appear somewhere
向いのホーム 路地裏の窓
Mukai no HOOMU, rojiura no mado
On the opposite platform, in the windows off the street
こんなとこにいるはずもないのに
Konna toko ni iru hazu mo nai no ni
Even though I know you couldn’t be at such a place
願いがもしも叶うなら 今すぐ君のもとへ
Negai ga moshimo kanau nara, imasugu kimi no moto e
If my wish were to come true, I would be at your side right now
できないことは もう何もない
Dekinai koto wa, mou nanimo nai
There would be nothing I couldn’t do
全てかけて抱きしめてみせるよ
Subete kakete dakishimete miseru yo
I would put everything on the line and hold you tight
寂しさ紛らすだけなら 誰でもいいはずなのに
Sabishisa magirasu dake nara, dare demo ii hazu na no ni
If I just wanted to avoid loneliness, anybody would have been enough
星が落ちそうな夜だから 自分を偽れない
Hoshi ga ochisou na yoru dakara, jibun wo itsuwarenai
Because the night looks like the stars will fall, I cannot lie to myself
One more time 季節ようつろわないで
One more time, kisetsu yo utsurowanaide
One more time, oh seasons, fade not
One more time ふざけあった時間よ
One more time, fuzake atta jikan yo
One more time, when we were messing around
いつでも探しているよ どっかに君の姿を
Itsudemo sagashite iru yo, dokka ni kimi no sugata wo
I’m always searching, for your figure to appear somewhere
交差点でも 夢の中でも
Kousaten demo, yume no naka demo
At a street crossing, in the midst of dreams
こんなとこにいるはずもないのに
Konna toko ni iru hazu mo nai no ni
Even though I know you couldn’t be at such a place
奇跡がもしも起こるなら 今すぐ君に見せたい
Kiseki ga moshimo okoru nara, imasugu kimi ni misetai
If a miracle were to happen here, I would show you right away
新しい朝 これからの僕
Atarashii asa, korekara no boku
The new morning, the who I’ll be from now on
言えなかった好きという言葉も
Ienakatta suki to iu kotoba mo
And the words I never said: “I love you”
夏の想い出がまわる
Natsu no omoide ga mawaru
The memories of summer are revolving
ふいに消えた鼓動
Fui ni kieta kodou
The throbbing which suddenly disappeared
いつでも探しているよ どっかに君の姿を
Itsudemo sagashite iru yo, dokka ni kimi no sugata wo
I’m always searching, for your figure to appear somewhere
明け方の街 桜木町で
Akegata no machi, sakuragi-chou de
At dawn on the streets, at Sakuragi-cho
こんなとこに来るはずもないのに
Konna toko ni kuru hazu mo nai no ni
Even though I know you wouldn't come to such a place
願いがもしも叶うなら 今すぐ君のもとへ
Negai ga moshimo kanau nara, imasugu kimi no moto e
If my wish were to come true, I would be at your side right now
できないことは もう何もない
Dekinai koto wa mou nanimo nai
There would be nothing I couldn’t do
全てかけて抱きしめてみせるよ
Subete kakete dakishimete miseru yo
I would put everything on the line and hold you tight
いつでも探しているよ どっかに君の破片を
Itsudemo sagashite iru yo, dokka ni kimi no kakera wo
I’m always searching, for fragments of you to appear somewhere
旅先の店 新聞の隅
Tabisaki no mise, shinbun no sumi
In a store during my travels, in the corner of the newspaper
こんなとこにあるはずもないのに
Konna toko ni aru hazu mo nai no ni
Even though I know you wouldn’t be at such a place
奇跡がもしも起こるなら 今すぐ君に見せたい
Kiseki ga moshimo okoru nara, imasugu kimi ni misetai
If a miracle were to happen here, I would show you right away
新しい朝 これからの僕
Atarashii asa, kore kara no boku
The new morning, the who I’ll be from now on
言えなかった好きという言葉も
Ienakatta suki to iu kotoba mo
And the words I never said: “I love you”
いつでも探してしまう どっかに君の笑顔を
Itsudemo sagashite shimau, dokka ni kimi no egao wo
I always end up looking, for your smile to appear somewhere
急行待ちの 踏切あたり
Kyuukou machi no, fumikiri atari
At the railroad crossing, waiting for the express to pass
こんなとこにいるはずもないのに
Konna toko ni iru hazu mo nai no ni
Even though I know you couldn’t be at such a place
命が繰り返すならば 何度も君のもとへ
Inochi ga kurikaesu naraba, nandomo kimi no moto e
If our lives could be repeated, I would be at your side every time
欲しいものなど もう何もない
Hoshii mono nado mou nanimo nai
I would want nothing else
君のほかに大切なものなど
Kimi no hoka ni taisetsu na mono nado
Nothing else matters except for you
i will never show my pain. i stopped looking for it. no point looking for something that doesnt exist. i never want to believe anymore. it doesnt matter. i know you were angry. but honest words will remain honest words.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Monday, January 12, 2009
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