to a friend whom i havent seen for years.

actually i understand where you're coming from. i feel the same way. if there was an option, i would probably do the same thing you did. except i dont have the courage, determination you have. i fear. and fear i did. it's hard to accept that people change over time. it's harder to accept that you simply just don't love the person anymore. it's not that you don't care. it's that feeling isnt there anymore.

and you wonder after all that everyone's gone through. all the hard times, the tears and sweat, you thought everything will mend itself sooner or later. but no, the cracks just get bigger and bigger.

just to let you i understand, even though he doesnt.

~


i tried to mend it. i tried to bite back my feeling and tears to accomodate you. you never actually tried. you blamed it all upon me. somehow if it failed, it's my fault, not yours.

when i look into your eyes, sometimes i see hurt, sometimes i see annoyance, sometimes i see a faint glimmer of love. mostly i see resignation.

i know im wrong to keep threatening to leave. but i've never actually had to courage to. you never really tried to solve the problem. you merely avoided it. i know im unreliable. but have you actually appreciated all the times i saved your arse?

looking back, there was a lot of things we did to make sure we did not just pack up and leave. on your side and on mine. until you figured i wouldnt leave and you stopped being nice. and when you realised i have the full capability to just pack up and go, you turned nastier.

being kind doesnt mean anything anymore. when i'm try to be nice and put you before myself, i get scolded. even though i get myself into a mess sometimes, i made the effort to save you instead of myself.

maybe in your eyes im just the kid running your errands and doing your legwork, im always stupid and troublesome.

i dont deny that all the times we've spent the past few years have always been on my mind. it will always be part of me and you. afterall, you're the one that taught me how to love, how to give without receiving. and you're the one who showed me hurt as well.

i'm contented with what you've given me so far. but i'll be happier if you could be happy as well.


im here to stay. but if we want to mend what's wrong, i need your help as well. dont give up. dont get angry. i'm still here by your side, unless you want to quit.



the little world of mine