war.

they say, be brave to walk away.

i say, be brave to never look back.

there will always be things you never understand and can never give me.

today someone asked me,

if you had to choose, which one would it be?

the person you love, the person who loves you and the person who suits you?

admittedly, i was rather dumbfounded. i've never really thought of it. what if one day i really had to choose? what would i choose?

but delving deeper into the matter, i realized i've already made my choice.

the person you love
when we see this, we think of it being one sided, so let's just go with the idea of it. well, to choose someone you love is technically bliss. but when the person doesnt love you back, you are left with practically nothing. and basically this is a bad choice

the person who loves you
many would think this is an awesome choice. having someone to dote on you, love you and care for you. but think of it this way, you dont love the person, will you commit? will you promise?

the person who suits you
may not be the childhood sweetheart you played with at the playground after school, nor the person you first set your eyes on and set your heart on fire for. however, it is the person that accepts you for who you are, for what you are. he/she completes you in ways you never thought possible. when you're down, you know that the person will be there for you. when you're happy you want to share with joy with the person. he or she may not be the person you will love the extreme most in your entire life ( i save my best love for the chocolate), but he/she is the one you can see waking up next to, to trust to ensure you dont choke on overdose of strawberry cheesecake icecream and know, whenever you look into his/her eyes, you see the person looking right back with smiling eyes.

so i told my poor confused friend, i chose the person who suited me.

at points in time, i've being tempted to deviate, to find something different. but i realise, at the end its still the person who suits me.


continuing, my poor friend asked, so what about puppy love? i told him, once in your entire life is enough. once is enough to make you understand why it is something everyone wants.. yet it doesnt last. because it is very uhm annoying HAHA.

and it feels like home. =)

nonchalance. tell me why i cant feel anymore. everything's a blurry haze. it's always a beautiful dream and a horrendous nightmare.

but this time, i lack the capability to coherently think.

just want to lie on your shoulder, cry and cry away all the pain and frustration and once and for all, wash them all away.

it was simply put, a highly amusing encounter. i didnt need to be told that i cannot create the frustrating event. if the event was created by me, it does not qualify as a frustrating event. truly amusing but hey i dont put such stuff up without a brain.

and i know that removing me.. creates a non-performance for the contract. but that still does not tantamount to frustration as the act of "removing" myself is deliberate.

i didnt need the lesson. thank you. and definitely i did not need to be told...
THAT I CANNOT VOID MY OWN CONTRACT BY MY OWN FRUSTRATION!!!

=D the things guys do for a temporary ego boost.
well.. 5mins of "high" at my expense.. hmm i dont really care~

we're just moving further away.
doesnt really matter huh.

where are you, who are you.
and they say i dont say much. what is there to say?

shld have just gone, july 2006.

so what if we drift apart. somehow it doesnt really affect me much.
and so you dont sms. oh i actually didnt realise.
so, i didnt see you this weekend. and then?
so what if we're staying cos we are too lazy to move?

there's nothing i can do to prevent everything from slipping away.
so, cheers!

*shrugs. life still goes on, kiddo.

i feel the same every morning when i open my eyes. sometimes i dont even remember you until my day ends. you've just quietly faded into the background.

i dont like normalcy. but you are the exact epitome of it.

i really hate it when time is a big defining factor and you freaking drag it. i know very well you will lose out when you drag too long. you might as fucking well tell me to do it. then i dont have to attempt to settle this and worry im gonna freaking fail my exam.

I AM REALLY TIRED AND PISSED OFF. go away. whatever i wanna do, it doesnt match YOUR lifestyle, YOUR culture, YOUR values.

so you gonna tell me its a waste of money and boring? you dont go la.

till tdy, i rmb the days when i wanted to spend some time with my family. just because i cldnt bloody hell entertain you, you had to go spend time with her just 'cause you are bored and i cldnt accompany you.

i really got enough ok.

just because i dont really care about MU or LP

i am the same yet i am so different from 5 years ago.

why am i just so different from everyone else? i can never fathom.
my life, well, just aint the same. so many things to hide. so many things to fear.
so many things left unspoken.

the stark silence hovers menacingly.
did you know what that means? neither do i.

craving for attention yet wanting to be alone.
its tough being a living paradox.

you arent ever sure of what you ever wanted to be.
life is just too random

as random as listening to 8 guys talking about soccer and just smiling like you know what they said and then someone discovering you're lost and you realise, hey, he's lost too.
that's like.. the most random thing. its so random you go back to smiling and pretending and hoping they'll gonna stop arguing over Man U n Liverpool so you can endure your pounding headache in deafening silence.

i'm so totally over mooncakes. dont wanna eat another one!!

and no. food poisoning is the WORST way to lose weight. and KFC SUCKS.

it has come to point where it doesnt matter whether you have a shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to, someone just to hug you when your world comes crashing down.

IT DOESNT MATTER.

why?

'cause there aint anyone there at all.

all you need is a good half an hr in the toilet, letting it all go and telling yourself, its ok, you're going to survive. since it's already rock bottom, it can only go up.

i wonder how many people can actually do that.


yesterday i learnt NEVER to believe that anyone will be there for me.
i learnt that so what if you are feeling lousy. it doesnt allow you to sulk and sulk for just the evening. eventually you must even brace yourself up even though you're crumbling inside.

today i realise im stronger than ever. because i dont need you to be there anymore. because your words just portray what you feel: " oh, you mean you didnt know? welcome to the truth"

the stronger i am, the more i cage myself away from you. no point believing anymore.

Today I chanced upon an old friend's blog. she has taken up ballet and is now in the United States dancing ?! zomg. how people really change. i see my old friends, chasing after what they want, doing things i can only think of. and what am i doing, stuck in an office job, dreaming of an escape.

sometimes i feel that i am holding myself back. but at the same time, its exactly chasing after ideals that land you no where... and then if you dont chase them, you are as good as giving up your dreams. life's a funny paradox. is there really no choice after all?

you might ask, how can i nullify 4 years just like this? you've forgotten how girls can delete everything from memory, from their hearts. when you really dont want to walk the same path anymore, when you have enough of being a brat, you just block everything out. you cage it up, put it aside, and pretend it never exists. i owe you a lifetime. but i dont want to be with you for a lifetime.

the heart is a funny thing. but for now, im numb.

i dont want to read too deep into it. but im not the only one that has realized.

post break up:

dont know if you think its just another fight or really mean what you've said.
i still have that sms. i still pinch myself to see if its real.
but since things have come this way, it comes to a point in time that i can just walk away, i think, you have to accept it too.
as a friend i am still here. but nothing more than that.

i really dont think its meant to be. i dont see us in the long term.

if u must, leave it fate. if its yours, it will be. if it isnt, let it go.



therapy:
half a pint of chocolate+durian ice cream
nonsensical eating
2 boxes of tissue
a few packets of biscuit
finally waking up

sometimes you need to realise that it's time to say goodbye and stick to it. when paths no longer merge but divert into new beginnings, learn to recognise it.

O_O

one last paper! Owh i seriously hate 102 =(
=D =/ bored

olala, then i'll be in europe till 25th may. ciao!

pretrip blues -.-"

i nearly solo-ed an entire FYP. you really dont know how draining it is on me. to be pouring through articles after articles. and after awhile, the words just become a swirl of black and white. maybe you dont know how hard it is to flip through the entire file for one quote, tear your hair in frustration as everything doesnt seem to work out. you're tired. but do you know what is exhaustion.

Illusion never changed into something real

some things are never destined to happen. it'll always be a part of my imagination. an illusion.
or will life occasionally give us a second chance? to make the wrongs into rights. to make every ok.

im sorry i really cant give you what you want - trust, love, everything..
something holds me back, im too afraid of getting hurt. but maybe i've hurt myself trying to protect myself.

and it makes me feel worse when i see someone else treating u better than i do. maybe i dont appreciate you enough.

i've always just felt, inadequate, never up to standard, horrible. i just never felt good enough for you.

and there is no one there to tell me otherwise.

i dont want to believe in a future crafted out merely in words and dreams.

anyway. this is MY life. MY dream. MY world. im gonna do it MY way. FTW!


?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

曲名:我不难过 歌手:孙燕姿

作词:杨明学 作曲:李偲松

又站在你家的门口我们重复沉默
这样子单方面的守候
还能多久
终于你开口向我述说他有多温柔
虽然你还握著我的手,
但我已不在你心中
我真的懂 你不是喜新厌旧
是我 没有
陪在你身边当你寂寞时候
别再看著我说著你爱过 别太伤痛
我不难过 这不算什么
只是为什么眼泪会流我也不懂
就让我走 让我开始享受自由
回忆很多 你的影子也会充满我生活
我并不懦弱 你比谁都懂
虽然寂寞 这会是我 最后的宽容
抱紧我 再抱紧我
这一份感动 就请你让我留在胸口
别再说 是你的错
爱到了尽头 是非对错
就让它随风 忘了所有 过的比你快活
真的懂 你不是喜新厌旧
不要再说 或许这是最好的结果
现在分手 总好过你不爱我一拖再拖
松开你的手 离开你左右
我向前走 这会是我真正的解脱


maybe, at that time when you told me, she entertains you more than me and she never bites and never creates a lot of trouble, i should have just gone? hmm. things have come so far.

i chose not to continue with private lessons
i choose not to go lse

i have my own reasons. dont worry. i know what is responsibility. i know you just want to make sure i dont just run away and forget about family. i know you're thinking about $_$. not everyone is motivated by money.

but you dont know what makes me the happiest.

i miss my wooden stick and my fiddle. somehow, our love affair didnt last long. illicit it may have been, passionate but i was unable to commit in the long term even though it might turn out good and wonderful. it had a future. i was groomed to be up and coming.

but before i reached anywhere near the top, i decided to turn back.

please dont ask me why anymore. it was a very painful decision. i've never had such love with ivory keys.

i have my own reasons for giving up. even if it meant it felt like giving part of myself away.

you will never understand what it feels like, standing in front of 700 hundred people. hearing the sound of something you've created. the fear of failing. the fear of being laughed at. the relief. the joy. the sense of achievement. the courage to say yes.

it's over. it's not that i did not take chance of this opportunity. no one understood the pressure. the gruelling idea of practice. 2hours a day. no one understood the solitude required. no one understood the world. there was no support from my mum. and that hurt the most. when i was crazy in pursuing my dream, she cut me from it.

i dont want to take part in the politics either. i just want to be me and my stick. that something a lot of people dont understand. i dont know how to make them understand either.

when i give up part of my soul. i will never take it back.

in a twist of events, it hasnt come full circle. it has merely returned to the initial starting point. and there i am again, staring dejectedly. because i dont know what you want and i dont know what to do.

we shape our own destiny. or does our destiny shape us? are we merely heading towards something pre-decided, pre-calculated? as much as we try to argue, can we only merely change the process and not the outcome?

apparently, my actions and words have not been enough to deter the outcome. it still has come back to the same outcome.

a case of self-fulfilling prophecy? or just plain dumbness.