just want to lie on your shoulder, cry and cry away all the pain and frustration and once and for all, wash them all away.

it was simply put, a highly amusing encounter. i didnt need to be told that i cannot create the frustrating event. if the event was created by me, it does not qualify as a frustrating event. truly amusing but hey i dont put such stuff up without a brain.

and i know that removing me.. creates a non-performance for the contract. but that still does not tantamount to frustration as the act of "removing" myself is deliberate.

i didnt need the lesson. thank you. and definitely i did not need to be told...
THAT I CANNOT VOID MY OWN CONTRACT BY MY OWN FRUSTRATION!!!

=D the things guys do for a temporary ego boost.
well.. 5mins of "high" at my expense.. hmm i dont really care~

we're just moving further away.
doesnt really matter huh.

where are you, who are you.
and they say i dont say much. what is there to say?

shld have just gone, july 2006.

so what if we drift apart. somehow it doesnt really affect me much.
and so you dont sms. oh i actually didnt realise.
so, i didnt see you this weekend. and then?
so what if we're staying cos we are too lazy to move?

there's nothing i can do to prevent everything from slipping away.
so, cheers!

*shrugs. life still goes on, kiddo.

i feel the same every morning when i open my eyes. sometimes i dont even remember you until my day ends. you've just quietly faded into the background.

i dont like normalcy. but you are the exact epitome of it.

i really hate it when time is a big defining factor and you freaking drag it. i know very well you will lose out when you drag too long. you might as fucking well tell me to do it. then i dont have to attempt to settle this and worry im gonna freaking fail my exam.

I AM REALLY TIRED AND PISSED OFF. go away. whatever i wanna do, it doesnt match YOUR lifestyle, YOUR culture, YOUR values.

so you gonna tell me its a waste of money and boring? you dont go la.

till tdy, i rmb the days when i wanted to spend some time with my family. just because i cldnt bloody hell entertain you, you had to go spend time with her just 'cause you are bored and i cldnt accompany you.

i really got enough ok.

just because i dont really care about MU or LP

i am the same yet i am so different from 5 years ago.

why am i just so different from everyone else? i can never fathom.
my life, well, just aint the same. so many things to hide. so many things to fear.
so many things left unspoken.

the stark silence hovers menacingly.
did you know what that means? neither do i.

craving for attention yet wanting to be alone.
its tough being a living paradox.

you arent ever sure of what you ever wanted to be.
life is just too random

as random as listening to 8 guys talking about soccer and just smiling like you know what they said and then someone discovering you're lost and you realise, hey, he's lost too.
that's like.. the most random thing. its so random you go back to smiling and pretending and hoping they'll gonna stop arguing over Man U n Liverpool so you can endure your pounding headache in deafening silence.

i'm so totally over mooncakes. dont wanna eat another one!!

and no. food poisoning is the WORST way to lose weight. and KFC SUCKS.

it has come to point where it doesnt matter whether you have a shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to, someone just to hug you when your world comes crashing down.

IT DOESNT MATTER.

why?

'cause there aint anyone there at all.

all you need is a good half an hr in the toilet, letting it all go and telling yourself, its ok, you're going to survive. since it's already rock bottom, it can only go up.

i wonder how many people can actually do that.


yesterday i learnt NEVER to believe that anyone will be there for me.
i learnt that so what if you are feeling lousy. it doesnt allow you to sulk and sulk for just the evening. eventually you must even brace yourself up even though you're crumbling inside.

today i realise im stronger than ever. because i dont need you to be there anymore. because your words just portray what you feel: " oh, you mean you didnt know? welcome to the truth"

the stronger i am, the more i cage myself away from you. no point believing anymore.

Today I chanced upon an old friend's blog. she has taken up ballet and is now in the United States dancing ?! zomg. how people really change. i see my old friends, chasing after what they want, doing things i can only think of. and what am i doing, stuck in an office job, dreaming of an escape.

sometimes i feel that i am holding myself back. but at the same time, its exactly chasing after ideals that land you no where... and then if you dont chase them, you are as good as giving up your dreams. life's a funny paradox. is there really no choice after all?

you might ask, how can i nullify 4 years just like this? you've forgotten how girls can delete everything from memory, from their hearts. when you really dont want to walk the same path anymore, when you have enough of being a brat, you just block everything out. you cage it up, put it aside, and pretend it never exists. i owe you a lifetime. but i dont want to be with you for a lifetime.

the heart is a funny thing. but for now, im numb.

i dont want to read too deep into it. but im not the only one that has realized.

post break up:

dont know if you think its just another fight or really mean what you've said.
i still have that sms. i still pinch myself to see if its real.
but since things have come this way, it comes to a point in time that i can just walk away, i think, you have to accept it too.
as a friend i am still here. but nothing more than that.

i really dont think its meant to be. i dont see us in the long term.

if u must, leave it fate. if its yours, it will be. if it isnt, let it go.



therapy:
half a pint of chocolate+durian ice cream
nonsensical eating
2 boxes of tissue
a few packets of biscuit
finally waking up

sometimes you need to realise that it's time to say goodbye and stick to it. when paths no longer merge but divert into new beginnings, learn to recognise it.

O_O

one last paper! Owh i seriously hate 102 =(
=D =/ bored

olala, then i'll be in europe till 25th may. ciao!

pretrip blues -.-"

i nearly solo-ed an entire FYP. you really dont know how draining it is on me. to be pouring through articles after articles. and after awhile, the words just become a swirl of black and white. maybe you dont know how hard it is to flip through the entire file for one quote, tear your hair in frustration as everything doesnt seem to work out. you're tired. but do you know what is exhaustion.

Illusion never changed into something real

some things are never destined to happen. it'll always be a part of my imagination. an illusion.
or will life occasionally give us a second chance? to make the wrongs into rights. to make every ok.

im sorry i really cant give you what you want - trust, love, everything..
something holds me back, im too afraid of getting hurt. but maybe i've hurt myself trying to protect myself.

and it makes me feel worse when i see someone else treating u better than i do. maybe i dont appreciate you enough.

i've always just felt, inadequate, never up to standard, horrible. i just never felt good enough for you.

and there is no one there to tell me otherwise.

i dont want to believe in a future crafted out merely in words and dreams.

anyway. this is MY life. MY dream. MY world. im gonna do it MY way. FTW!


?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

曲名:我不难过 歌手:孙燕姿

作词:杨明学 作曲:李偲松

又站在你家的门口我们重复沉默
这样子单方面的守候
还能多久
终于你开口向我述说他有多温柔
虽然你还握著我的手,
但我已不在你心中
我真的懂 你不是喜新厌旧
是我 没有
陪在你身边当你寂寞时候
别再看著我说著你爱过 别太伤痛
我不难过 这不算什么
只是为什么眼泪会流我也不懂
就让我走 让我开始享受自由
回忆很多 你的影子也会充满我生活
我并不懦弱 你比谁都懂
虽然寂寞 这会是我 最后的宽容
抱紧我 再抱紧我
这一份感动 就请你让我留在胸口
别再说 是你的错
爱到了尽头 是非对错
就让它随风 忘了所有 过的比你快活
真的懂 你不是喜新厌旧
不要再说 或许这是最好的结果
现在分手 总好过你不爱我一拖再拖
松开你的手 离开你左右
我向前走 这会是我真正的解脱


maybe, at that time when you told me, she entertains you more than me and she never bites and never creates a lot of trouble, i should have just gone? hmm. things have come so far.

i chose not to continue with private lessons
i choose not to go lse

i have my own reasons. dont worry. i know what is responsibility. i know you just want to make sure i dont just run away and forget about family. i know you're thinking about $_$. not everyone is motivated by money.

but you dont know what makes me the happiest.

i miss my wooden stick and my fiddle. somehow, our love affair didnt last long. illicit it may have been, passionate but i was unable to commit in the long term even though it might turn out good and wonderful. it had a future. i was groomed to be up and coming.

but before i reached anywhere near the top, i decided to turn back.

please dont ask me why anymore. it was a very painful decision. i've never had such love with ivory keys.

i have my own reasons for giving up. even if it meant it felt like giving part of myself away.

you will never understand what it feels like, standing in front of 700 hundred people. hearing the sound of something you've created. the fear of failing. the fear of being laughed at. the relief. the joy. the sense of achievement. the courage to say yes.

it's over. it's not that i did not take chance of this opportunity. no one understood the pressure. the gruelling idea of practice. 2hours a day. no one understood the solitude required. no one understood the world. there was no support from my mum. and that hurt the most. when i was crazy in pursuing my dream, she cut me from it.

i dont want to take part in the politics either. i just want to be me and my stick. that something a lot of people dont understand. i dont know how to make them understand either.

when i give up part of my soul. i will never take it back.

in a twist of events, it hasnt come full circle. it has merely returned to the initial starting point. and there i am again, staring dejectedly. because i dont know what you want and i dont know what to do.

we shape our own destiny. or does our destiny shape us? are we merely heading towards something pre-decided, pre-calculated? as much as we try to argue, can we only merely change the process and not the outcome?

apparently, my actions and words have not been enough to deter the outcome. it still has come back to the same outcome.

a case of self-fulfilling prophecy? or just plain dumbness.

maybe fundamentally you dont understand. you dont know the problems and frustrations im going through. i play the game merely to escape from reality. i play it because i dont want to lose the only person i think i can attempt to hold on to. or maybe it's all a lie. there is no one to hold on to in the first place. im not crying because you dont allow me to play. im crying because there are so many questions unresolved, clogging up within me. it's not like i never do my work, i never do my projects. i do factor in time for them. in fact i factor quite a fair bit.

as for getting a job, you think all i am doing is playing. im an adult so i shouldnt be playing. now when finally im spending my leisure time doing useless things, you scold me. when im spending my leisure time doing USEFUL things, you also scold me. your other daughter spends her leisure time doing useless/useful things, you just let her be. when i speak of doing investment, buying a house as an investment, looking at cars, thinking of stock markets, all you think of it.. I AM GOING TO CHEAT YOU OF YOUR MONEY. fine.

when i was in primary5, days where children play and have fun, i was more worried about scoring less than 91 marks. cos that meant that i will get canned terribly when i reached home. you claimed you dont remember anymore, but those times will remain etched within me. i never had a childhood. in some ways, you could say, that's why i never grew up. you're supposed to trust your family and etc, but all i saw was when you were in favour, you get the cash, you get the attention. when you were not the favourite child, you had all privileges taken away. there was no consistency in parenting, no consistency in rewards-behaviour system.

i learnt never to trust your words.
in fact, i learnt never to trust anyone.

when i lied abt i had class, well, i didnt lie that i had class, but rather i didnt mention that class was cancelled. i wanted to go school to play. i wanted to climb the monkey bars, play crocodile with my classmates, throw paper planes. when you found out i didnt say that class was cancelled, you hauled me back home and canned me. i remembered entering school that day extremely embarrassed to be looking like a zebra. that very day, we were split into groups to discuss about the planets. my group did on saturn. i volunteered to share my findings in front of the class. initially i hid my arms behind my back. after awhile, i decided, whatever for. i got canned. i am the girl that never did badly, never flouted any rules. and bloody hell i got canned for wanting to play. i swore the teacher was afraid to let me go up there.

in secondary school, i wanted to pursue CO, pursue erhu. you complained about the late hours and etc. i felt alive for once as part of nyco. it was my life, my everything. (HELLO IT WASNT EVEN SOMETHING USELESS). you kept complaining it took up a lot of time, i was wasting time and you didnt want to let me go. you refused to let me take up private lessons. you wanted me to finish my piano. so fine, i took BOTH erhu AND piano simultaneously. and guess what, i did all my work on time=) and you still scolded me. wow.

in jc, my friends were going out, late, to places and everywhere. you gave me ridiculous curfews and standards. fine. your argument was that it was time wasting and etc. but HELLO it was the first 3 months. where u could just PLAY. and i was not allowed to have some fun.

now, finally im in university. during the days of hall was the most fun i've ever had. extreme freedom. and surprisingly, i scored quite well. year 2 was a bad year as i was constantly relocating. year 3 sem1.. there were the fights... as usual.

in a frantic bid not to become the type of mother that my grandmother is, my mum has inevitably turned into the exact replica of my grandmother. $_$ and controlling. things will work out eventually. I HOPE I NEVER BECOME THE PERSON MY MUM IS. on hindsight, it was extremely useful to use her against herself.

and for the record, when you threaten to take away my laptop, my reaction isnt, wah i cant game.. it's WTF my FYP.


i sincerely apologise for bad grammer but my thoughts are faster than my fingers.

once a nanyang girl, always a nanyang girl

those 4 years spent there were the best time of my life. i still look back with much fondness and with a tinge of sadness.

but memories are either meant to be kept or forgotten. i threw many things away. i loved my school but it's time i need to face society.

i can throw 3 years away. i can throw 4 years away. you taught me to be tough, hard, cold. i am no longer the little one. you declawed the cat but the cat bites now.

[from jos]
Still reeling in from the effects of watching the anime yesterday. It's been a long time since I last cried like this, where the tears just can't be held back and the sourness spreads all the way to the fingertips. And it's been an even longer time since I last cried myself to sleep.

How is it possible for 2 people drift apart? It goes against the most basic of all human nature to want to be with that someone... but yet, it is possible for the distance to grow so naturally that it defies all common sense. First goes the meetings, then the phone calls, the late-night online conversations... and before you know it, you stop talking, even though you have each others' phone numbers, even though you're online on MSN at the same time. Even though you're studying right in NUS together.

And nothing's left.

I suddenly thought of the empty Ferrero Rocher box that Ah-ma threw away without asking me 3 years ago, but I can't remember the words that was painted on the cover with glass paint anymore. I thought of the card that I never had the courage to send... but it doesn't matter anymore.

Don't know why, but I suddenly have the old urge to hug my square pillow, even though it hasn't been washed for ages.

Anyway, here's the theme song from 5 Centimeters Per Second... which is stuck in my head with all my other thoughts, memories and regrets.

-- Masayoshi Yamazaki

いつでも探しているよ　どっかに君の姿を
Itsudemo sagashite iru yo, dokka ni kimi no sugata wo
I’m always searching, for your figure to appear somewhere
向いのホーム　路地裏の窓
Mukai no HOOMU, rojiura no mado
On the opposite platform, in the windows off the street
こんなとこにいるはずもないのに
Konna toko ni iru hazu mo nai no ni
Even though I know you couldn’t be at such a place
願いがもしも叶うなら　今すぐ君のもとへ
Negai ga moshimo kanau nara, imasugu kimi no moto e
If my wish were to come true, I would be at your side right now
できないことは　もう何もない
Dekinai koto wa, mou nanimo nai
There would be nothing I couldn’t do
全てかけて抱きしめてみせるよ
Subete kakete dakishimete miseru yo
I would put everything on the line and hold you tight

寂しさ紛らすだけなら　誰でもいいはずなのに　
Sabishisa magirasu dake nara, dare demo ii hazu na no ni
If I just wanted to avoid loneliness, anybody would have been enough
星が落ちそうな夜だから　自分を偽れない
Hoshi ga ochisou na yoru dakara, jibun wo itsuwarenai
Because the night looks like the stars will fall, I cannot lie to myself
One more time　季節ようつろわないで
One more time, kisetsu yo utsurowanaide
One more time, oh seasons, fade not
One more time　ふざけあった時間よ
One more time, fuzake atta jikan yo
One more time, when we were messing around

いつでも探しているよ　どっかに君の姿を
Itsudemo sagashite iru yo, dokka ni kimi no sugata wo
I’m always searching, for your figure to appear somewhere
交差点でも　夢の中でも
Kousaten demo, yume no naka demo
At a street crossing, in the midst of dreams
こんなとこにいるはずもないのに
Konna toko ni iru hazu mo nai no ni
Even though I know you couldn’t be at such a place
奇跡がもしも起こるなら　今すぐ君に見せたい
Kiseki ga moshimo okoru nara, imasugu kimi ni misetai
If a miracle were to happen here, I would show you right away
新しい朝　これからの僕
Atarashii asa, korekara no boku
The new morning, the who I’ll be from now on
言えなかった好きという言葉も
Ienakatta suki to iu kotoba mo
And the words I never said: “I love you”

夏の想い出がまわる
Natsu no omoide ga mawaru
The memories of summer are revolving
ふいに消えた鼓動
Fui ni kieta kodou
The throbbing which suddenly disappeared

いつでも探しているよ　どっかに君の姿を
Itsudemo sagashite iru yo, dokka ni kimi no sugata wo
I’m always searching, for your figure to appear somewhere
明け方の街　桜木町で
Akegata no machi, sakuragi-chou de
At dawn on the streets, at Sakuragi-cho
こんなとこに来るはずもないのに
Konna toko ni kuru hazu mo nai no ni
Even though I know you wouldn't come to such a place
願いがもしも叶うなら　今すぐ君のもとへ
Negai ga moshimo kanau nara, imasugu kimi no moto e
If my wish were to come true, I would be at your side right now
できないことは　もう何もない
Dekinai koto wa mou nanimo nai
There would be nothing I couldn’t do
全てかけて抱きしめてみせるよ
Subete kakete dakishimete miseru yo
I would put everything on the line and hold you tight

いつでも探しているよ　どっかに君の破片を
Itsudemo sagashite iru yo, dokka ni kimi no kakera wo
I’m always searching, for fragments of you to appear somewhere
旅先の店　新聞の隅
Tabisaki no mise, shinbun no sumi
In a store during my travels, in the corner of the newspaper
こんなとこにあるはずもないのに
Konna toko ni aru hazu mo nai no ni
Even though I know you wouldn’t be at such a place
奇跡がもしも起こるなら　今すぐ君に見せたい
Kiseki ga moshimo okoru nara, imasugu kimi ni misetai
If a miracle were to happen here, I would show you right away
新しい朝　これからの僕
Atarashii asa, kore kara no boku
The new morning, the who I’ll be from now on
言えなかった好きという言葉も
Ienakatta suki to iu kotoba mo
And the words I never said: “I love you”

いつでも探してしまう　どっかに君の笑顔を
Itsudemo sagashite shimau, dokka ni kimi no egao wo
I always end up looking, for your smile to appear somewhere
急行待ちの　踏切あたり
Kyuukou machi no, fumikiri atari
At the railroad crossing, waiting for the express to pass
こんなとこにいるはずもないのに
Konna toko ni iru hazu mo nai no ni
Even though I know you couldn’t be at such a place
命が繰り返すならば　何度も君のもとへ
Inochi ga kurikaesu naraba, nandomo kimi no moto e
If our lives could be repeated, I would be at your side every time
欲しいものなど　もう何もない
Hoshii mono nado mou nanimo nai
I would want nothing else
君のほかに大切なものなど
Kimi no hoka ni taisetsu na mono nado
Nothing else matters except for you

i will never show my pain. i stopped looking for it. no point looking for something that doesnt exist. i never want to believe anymore. it doesnt matter. i know you were angry. but honest words will remain honest words.

when tiredness washes over you, it feels like a wave trying to drown you. so many things to do. no motivation.

WHY DOES THE STUPID PROF NOT REPLY MY EMAIL? WHERE IS THE WHOLE WORLD DEAD TO?

my lappie is dusty. will the keys fly out if i tried to vaccum?