shit. happens. =/

i trying to be rational, decisive and not kick up a fuss lol

sure anot

sian. why is everyone smarter than me.

it doesnt work. both of us are not people who keep promises. i know i've said stuffs that made you upset, done things that broke your heart. and so have you. despite all the destructive stuff that we've done, you chose to walk back and give me and you a 2nd chance. but i walked away one month ago and am very insistent on never going back. dont you understand, it doesnt matter how much you can give me anymore. im not looking at what you can give me. even if you can catch the stars for me, it isnt what i want.

i just simply cannot, promise you anything. i cant give you anything, cant give you what you want. i dont trust myself to commit to any promises. i can no longer look into your eyes, cos all i see is the hatred, the burning depths of hell, the fury and the pain as you raised your hand. i know this is blatant emotional blackmail but i stand firm in never ever wanting to be with someone who can do this. as much as i was very very very angry with you. i stopped short of this. the bruises are nothing compared to the knife you plunged through the depths of my heart.

as for your accusation that i have not got over him. all i can say is, i've gotten over him the moment i found out he got together with one of my good friends and never told me. and that was very long ago. i cant even remember anything anymore. as a friend, he takes care of me, nothing more. if you dont believe, so be it. i cant do anything.

i will never be sorry until you're sorry. we're even. for every hurt i've caused you, i guess you gave tit for tat that very night. the score stands at 0-0 now. you dont owe me anything, i dont owe you anything. btw, you should never had told me you got over her and dont feel anything anymore. if you had told me right from the start, you havent got over, you need time but it's me you want and hope i'll be there, maybe it wouldnt come to this. now, even as i lean on your shoulders, i can never find the same feeling back again.

it's not about wanting to be with someone you can live with. it's being with someone you cannot live without.

i'll be a good kid. i just never said i'll be yours.

i dont care! i dont need i dont want! i hate you all!

thanks for screwing up my life!

i wanna to be left alone please!

when i heard it from her yesterday, i wanted to cry in the middle of orchard road. so many years on and it hasnt changed from day 1. i know a lot of things were my fault, but surely i am not punished in this way? possibly the cruelest way known to all girls. there isnt anything that can erase the pain of loving someone, and watching the person, love someone else. even if you hate me, this isnt the way to get back at me. it's despicable, hated and totally underhand.

and before i slept, everything came flooding back like a horrendous nightmare. i couldn't sleep. i just couldnt. i tossed and turned. turned and tossed. your indecisiveness has left you with nothing at the end of the day. each episode put on replay like a spoilt tape.

i still dont know what i want, but it surely, definitely, isnt you. this is something that will never, ever change. if you could only see where i went wrong, then maybe it's good im no longer there to bring trouble and hassle to you. it's comical to think that you cried because of an ego problem, a face issue as opposed to telling me that you love me and hope i loved you 100%. i hate having to stick by your values, your beliefs and always be under you and agree with you.

the prophecy has come true. 2 years and 4 months earlier. i foretold my own prophecy. i still have my own entry on it. not letting me know isnt the solution. it causes more problems. i trusted you because you're my best friend. and now i dont give a bloody freaking damn if i dont have a best friend anymore. that's how much i am angry with everything. you're just all talk and no action. your promises about "next time" are always empty. even your friends know it. if you think you've above me and you're too good for me, that's fine by me. i concede defeat. im a lousy gf, a lousy everything. i screw up every single thing. i make you throw face. i always overstep the line. i never take you into consideration.
I VOW NEVER TO DO THIS AGAIN.
and then you tell me i always say sorry, that i wont do it again but i always do. but you something? this time round, you'll never ever know. from day 1 you overstepped MY boundary and YOU can tell me i should accept it.


i am so upset i will buy a set of underwear that says monday-sunday and wear saturday and sunday repeatedly. and i will buy a pair of black and lime green nike dunks.


i suppose i was upset enough until i messaged my friend at 1amplus and my friend can sense it and replied cutely, "yawn. you scare me. wad happen?"

sherrrrrrrrr.... where are you????? let's go shopping quick!

Day by day

by As one

I never knew I could fall in love again
Cause my heat was weak and worn
But you promised me, that you would love me and that we’d be one forever
Just be careful with my heart and I’ll love you always

You were coming to me so carefully
The day I got to know you first
I stayed up for many nights sighing, rather than being happy
It might take a very long time, for me to accept someone new
Could you acknowledge my inadequacy?
After my precious love left me,
I believed that I couldn't love anymore
But for you, who are willing to even embrace my scars, everyday

I will show you little by little,
Everyday, I will befriend you more.
Right now, I am not good enough to love you
The day I can give you all of my heart,
Could you wait for it?

I fear if I would forget you again.
I can't easily go to you
And because of him who left me, I still shed many tears
I even cried a lot in front of you
But for you, who wiped my tears away, everyday

But just remember this.
During the days I was in so much pain,
The love that opened up my heart was you.
As big as your love, no, bigger than that,
I will be good to you.
Just like how you are now, comfortably, wait for me.
The day the love I cherished transfers onto you,
I will be preparing to tell you that I love you,
Could you wait for it?

someone sent me this song. left it sitting in my downloaded file till today, i opened it and listened and yahoo-ed the translation. dont read too much into it. i find it sad yet optimistic. i dont know what to make of everything =((

i sincerely hope i will not let you down. i hope whatever i've said will not eventually turn into lies. i dont want to see you cry.

i see we're both going through the same phrase. except yours is faster. we acknowledge the quickness of the winds of change. 1 month is enough to turn everything upside down and leaves us running swiftly away from everything. i see the things he said to you and i think, i've heard it too. yes. we're both in the same boat. although you may not know it, just having someone to jabber with takes away a lot of the pain.
thank you my friend

as i've mentioned, 1 month is a lot of time. enough time to let me see that we're better off as separate entities. no, i currently have no one going after me nor am i interested in anyone. my family is in kinda a mess. hurhur but it still functions after so many years. as much as my family isnt the way you think a family should be, it's still my family. and no, i aint going to be the girl that leaves my family behind although they piss me off every other hour.

i stand by my decision. yes. you can say i need a new brain/re-wiring etc. but it isnt going to change the fact i've moved on. all i can say is that i still care for you as a friend and will still be there as a friend to you. but beyond that, i am unable to commit nor entertain. if you still want me, there are 2 ways: 1) re-chase from the start 2)tell me outright you want us to continue and give me 3months to meditate

no guarantees though.


or you can go on hating me.



we're poor but we're even more in love.
you can never erase my roots.

it dawned upon me, the lingering alluring smell. i finally realised what it is. i know what to do next when my l'eau par kenzo runs out =)).

i hate it when people are self centred! maybe i take after my mum too much. i dislike it when people tell me "it's their own problem" when sometimes i just wanna help a little. it's not like i go all way out to help them but sometimes when i get approached to help and there's nothing pending at the moment, i wouldnt mind.

i dont like it when people have no intention of continuing with something yet want me to put in time and effort to help them. if you think my help's useless, then dont ask me anymore.

i dont like being committed. i dont like it when people try to tie me to their life, their committments, their beliefs. i want to be an epitome of a free spirit. if they cant learn that i cant be tied down, i cant help them. the more you want to try to tie me down, the more i resist. i dont know how to phrase this adequately, but if you cant comprehend, it's fine.

it's not that i wont repay you for what you have done for me. i dont repay u in the way u want me to, doesnt mean i wont do so. i am aware of my debt towards you. very well aware indeed.

before you scream murder on me crossing the line and etc, THINK of your own actions. what has happened thus far took 2 hands to clap. stop piling the blame solely on me.

i know what has gone wrong. i just hope i wont repeat the same mistake to you or anyone else. im very aggressive in nature. and i regret to inform you that business school has cultivated that further.


and i fall again

i simply love the new shower scrub i bought! not only cos it does it job well, but because of its smell!
there's something comforting about that smell. it's not even a feminine fruity/flowery kinda smell.. it's more of musky yet with a tinge of citrus. i dont know if it's because it smells like someone or because.. i just like it. i highly doubt it smells like anyone i know cos it doesnt conjure up images of anything but.... it smells like what a good guy should smell like! this is weird i know but it smells like a guy that i could depend on =/
if something/someone smells like that... it'll be perfect.

or maybe it does smell like someone?

13x pure int bishop quitting sales

tma 16 blue moon 2 slots left.
tma 14 purple cape 0 slots left.
tma 12 purple gaia 2 slots left.
3int 3 dex yellow snowshoe clean.
5int bathrobe 9 slots left.
85MA super snowboard clean
93MA skewer clean.
TMA 106 widam staff 3 slots left.
TMA 90 widam staff 6 slots left.
2int maple magician shield clean.
TMA 12 white work glove 0 slots left.

0 mesos left.

bishop helmed, MW9, bahamut 15, genesis 1, resurrection 1, infinity 1
left 6 SP.

hurhur.

i'll take real life any day.

ok. technically 15% to 13x.

it's time to let go of it.

Buying a slice of life~

this is worst than i can ever imagine. well, i did make a wish, asking to experience unconditional love.. BUT NOT LIKE THIS. hello? where are your brains? did you fry them alongside the french fries? did something eat it? innocent love is one thing. DUMB is another.

i should stop playing online games. they drive me around the wall. one headache is bad enough. two is a catastrophe.

life really does know how to make a mockery out of me. i have tolerance doesnt mean you can cross the line. and the other hand, some may claim i have zero tolerance.

i need to learn. i need to meditate. my head is seriously hurting.
but, i learnt: never to ask for things without knowing what you're in for.

okok. this bao learns slowly.

oh yes. and if you do wish for something. make it SPECIFIC.
eg: i wish for an apple. do state what colour you want, which type (fuji, red apple etc), when you want it...

bao learns the hard way =(

ouch.

save me. i am in deep deep deep trouble. someone save me please. i cant bring myself to hurt anyone. but everything's too out of hand for me to control, for me to salvage. i just want some peace and quiet now that the thunderstorm is over.

ugh.

i dont know how to tell you, but dont expect to get what you see. i'm sorry if you're eventually disappointed.

just to let YOU know, i love u. always did. always will.

my mum: why are you and ling (my sis) smiling at your laptop screens?????
us: smile somemore.

it's been a long time since i smiled at my laptop screen. sometimes it's so funny i have to bite my tongue to prevent myself from laughing. no wonder people get addicted to the freaking net.

i feel like im at a crossroad. not knowing where to go.. not knowing what i want. it's all so uncertain! and you threw out my hsewife application ==. ouch.

stupid INSTEP. stupid school. stupid matching courses. stupid FYP. gonna waste another day in front of the laptop stressing over INSTEP results.

so much for telling people to pull themselves together when i cant even do the same.

kinda amused. what im not able to do so in real life i do so in reel life. (cue many sweat drops)

although not quite with the person i would want to... (i asked you but you didnt quite like the idea)

but anyway, for 60HP, which I half suspect I dont even half to pay, what do I have to lose?

still, I wish it was you instead.

finally handed over. had enough of co. all i can say is that i still love its music, my instrument a lot. but im sick and tired of the current co i am in. i can almost say it's this co that resulted in me quitting my private lessons and losing total interest. (i swear xls thought i wanted to go back to her when i called her the other day. )
it's a thankless job and at the end of the day there's no appreciation only criticism.

a number of annoyances that really get to me:
1) X need help. X tells only a few people that he/she needs help and freaking hell complains at meetings that no one helps. come on. i saw u when u needed help and i helped u to the best i can. i am not the only one who was wondering why were u complaining no one helped you when you didnt ask at all. if u dont ask, how the freaking hell will the rest of us know.

2) Y complains about something being inadequate and posing a problem. as above. IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM PLEASE JUST GET IT OUTTA YOUR MOUTH. how the heck would i know?

3) you're a ___. you know, the rest of the biz sch knows it. it doesnt get in your dense forested head.

4) stop bugging me

5) our mistake. your glee. you fail.

6) short sightedness is a crime.



there's a new ipod touch that costs much lesser...... *bangs head

She left without leaving a number
Said she needed to clear her mind
He figured she’d gone back to Austin
Cause she talked about it all the time
It was almost a year before she called him up
3 rings and an answering machine is what she got

If you’re calling about the car, I sold it
If this is Tuesday night I’m bowling
If you got something to sell you’re wasting your time
I’m not buying
If its anybody else wait for the tone you know what to do and
P.S. if this is Austin I still love you….

The telephone fell to the counter she heard
But she couldn’t believe what kind of man would
Hang on that long what kind of love that must be

She waited 3 days and then she tried again
She didn’t know what she’d say but she heard 3 rings and then….

If its Friday night I’m at the ball game
And First thing Saturday if it don’t rain
I’m headed out to the lake and I’ll be gone
All weekend long but I’ll call you back when I get home on
Sunday afternoon and P.S. if this is Austin I still love you

Well this time she left her number but not another word
And then she waited by the phone on Sunday evening
And this is what he heard

If you’re calling about my heart its still yours
I should have listened to it a little more
And it wouldn’t have taken me so long to know where I belong

And by the way boy this is no machine you’re talking to
Can’t ya tell this is Austin and I still love you.

Blake Shelton - If this is Austin

if i could ever find someone like that... i'll give up my entire life and dreams and help him chase his life and dreams. i'll throw everything away for him.

i found a little of myself in the time spent with you. thank you, for helping me forget the worries and pain.

im just too lazy to edit any mistakes, pardon me. still havent got around to uploading anything/etc. it kinda sucks to have not much of an aim in mind, having an empty part lingering around you. you just don't quite know what's wrong, it's just that there's something missing, something you want, something you yearn. the problem is that you dont quite know WHAT.

i honestly am really divided between what i know i should do and i what i cant bear to do. divided between a lie and a reality. divided nicely between what i know and what i choose to believe. i wonder when one of us will truly let go of our side of this tug of war.

倒帶
作詞:方文山　作曲:周杰倫

我受夠了等待你所謂的安排　說的未來到底多久才來
總是要來不及才知道我可愛　我想依賴而你卻都不在

應該開心的地帶　你給的全是空白
一個人假日發呆　找不到人陪我看海
我在幸福的門外　卻一直都進不來　
你累積給的傷害　我是真的很難釋懷

終於看開愛回不來　而你總是太晚明白　
最後才把話說開　哭著求我留下來
終於看開愛回不來　我們面前太多阻礙　
你的手卻放不開　寧願沒出息求我別離開

你總是要我乖慢慢計劃將來　我的眼淚卻一直掉下來
過去怎麼交代你該給的信賴　被你親手緩緩推入懸崖

從我臉上的蒼白　看到記憶慢下來　
過去甜蜜在倒帶　只是感覺已經不在
而我對你的期待　被你一次次摔壞　
已經碎成太多塊　要怎麼拼湊跟重來

終於看開愛回不來　而你總是太晚明白　
最後才把話說開　哭著求我留下來
終於看開愛回不來　我們面前太多阻礙　
你的手卻放不開　寧願沒出息求我別離開

there are times in life where you come to cross roads. at that forked intersection, you see many different paths, each as hideous as the next. then you decide you shall just go back to sleep and think about it in.. maybe another decade.

and then there are times when you are just feeling utterly miserable, neurotic, insecure and unsure of what goes on next. you're tired of your life, it doesnt change. everything is freaking predictable. you do the same thing at the same time everyday and the new gossip/stuff you hear everyday are from pixels on your laptop. you want to go out, meet new people, revel in their enchanting tales and for a moment, pretend you lead a wonderous life. but no, you go out each other into the virtual world and meet... voila NEW PIXELS. so much for life.

so life continues. you know very well that you're being a bitch for kicking up sucha big fuss, for being unreasonable but at the same time he's been a total bastard. but deep in your heart the reason for the commotion is extremely if not frighteningly simple. you cannot decide if you still love him. he's horrendously boring at times, can be unopinionated and needs a big kick to get to do anything. you hate it when you do his stuff for him, but you're not exactly sure how he wants to approach it and concoct it. so you just do it. but actually his ideas and yours are worlds apart. what is fine to you isnt ok with him and the story goes on.

so it's back to the fundamental do-i-love-him-or-not. you acknowledge that you are so friggin' used to having him around, used to whining to him about the little cuts and bruises and snuggling once awhile. you miss him when he isnt around mostly because you've practically been loner most of the times.

here comes the cookie cutter:
you dont quite know if you want it to last but you cant bear to leave cos it changes your life too drastically. however, you just want to leave, move on and do something else. somehow you just cant forget the scene whereby he tells you brutally,''what makes you think i ever loved you'' and surprisingly it makes you stronger. and makes you hate him more. sometimes you deceive yourself and tell yourself that it's because you forced him into it. you wish he didnt say it, you wish he'll says it's alright, dont be angry, you wish he'll tell you not to go. but no, it aint a big box office hit and so there goes your porcelain heart.

but nothing can ever, ever, ever erase this scene from your head. like an irritating tune, it repeats. rewinds. repeat. hounding you like a throbbing headache. eating you up inside out. crawling into the depths of your brain. you draw strength from this image. you tell yourself, one day you will stand strong and tell him I DONT FREAKING HELL NEED YOU. (and you cry yourself to death at the corner.. kidding..??) unforgiveable mistake number 2.


or maybe you dont really know at all. confused thoughts make poor bedfellows. you're happier living in delusion denial and maybe you should just check yourself into a mental hospital. or you should just treat yourself to macaroons and die from being too fat.


*edit. will update with pictures from lobbybar@sheraton when i finally find the damn connection cable.

what makes you think i ever loved you?

finally woke up. if you can say it, it's time for me to move on.

i'll like it very much if you would just leave me in peace to mope. the 1st week is the hardest week.

being smart is a curse. a curse that you do not realise.

it's too late for you now to realise.

i realised, the moment i am a burden, a liability, a hindrance, no one would value me, trust me, love me anymore. even as my best friend, half an hour of waiting would kill you. maybe, best friends become mere acquaintances after many years. maybe i'm just a driftwood. never a permanent fixture, just a floating accessory.

too many expectations. too little time. i guess it's maybe just me that sucks badly, as a friend.

i have a black pig=) this is before it hit lvl 10 and spewed more rubbish and told me it doesnt love me anymore.
it loves me so=)
one of its least favourite commands-stand. always gets angry when i tell it too. must be too lazy to stand.
a failed iloveyou attempt. bad answer. inadequate answer. BAD PIG.
doesnt like me to call it badboy
like the real pig, its favourite face is the -.-||| face. complete with the sweat drop and . . .

i yearn for time to go backwards and transport me back to my secondary school days.
where things are less confusing.
less painful.
simple.
easy.

was i happy back then? i dont really know. except that affairs of the heart makes life extremely difficult. i just want to go back to a time where such things are unknown.(to me).

i've lost all train of thought, lost my ability to write.

for the remaining of my course, i do not wish to have anything to do with co anymore. not that i don't like it. i'll just prefer to have more time to spend on myself, family, my friends, schoolwork and everyone that i've been neglecting. there's no point in tussling around something that i've simply lost enjoyment for.

i want to do something i've never tried before/never dreamt of trying. it's time to live my life the way i want it.

had enough of the co life. i want MY life. i don't want to be dictated and thrown around like some teddy bear anymore. no longer at your beck and call and manipulation. it's time to let go. i cant wait for my time to let go.


-saw all the rampage of tags on sn's blog. i guess everyone needs to calm down and talk it out. all i can say it, what's done is done. no point blaming anyone for any wrong decisions. i've done what i can. i dont have any regrets. just bear in mind, if we did not meet your expectations, it doesnt mean we are wrong or lousy. new people, new ideas.


on hindsight, im goddamn annoyed cos my mum keeps rubbing in that my neighbour got into smu biz. im already regretting a lot of things thus far. but von's right, i need to look forward. the past cannot be changed, you can only ensure your future's good. dont expect me to stay around for long.im a drifter. never a stay-er

cos im bored



1. Real name => mozzie food
2. Nickname => turkey. dumbdumb.
3. Married => nope
4. Male or Female => female
5. High school => the one opposite tchs
6. College => the one beside my high school
7. Short or long hair => somewhere in between?
8. Are you a health freak => nah.. I LOVE KFC. how's that for health
9. Height => i'll tell you my ideal height.. 161cm. how's that.
10. Do you have a crush on someone => there's a possibility
11. Do you like yourself => i hope so
12. Piercings => zer0
13. Righty or Lefty => right handed. wish i could be ambidextrous

FIRST'S
14. First surgery => when i was around 7.. if my memory still works
15. First piercing(s) => nopes
16. First person you see in the morning =>mr cockroach
17. First award => colouring contest! haha
18. First sport you joined => 4X100m relay race
19. First pet => poor goldfishy
20. First vacation => Genting.. when i was 2 and cldnt remember a single thing
21. First concert => too long ago. when i was 5?
22. First crush => THAT WAS IN KINDERGARTEN. shoo.

CURRENTLY
23. Eating => air
24. Drinking => molecules
25. I'm about to => go berserk

YOUR FUTURE
26. Want kids => those screamy unglam accessories? no thanks.
27. Want to get married => im getting married to my bolster thank you very much
28. Careers in mind => hermit

WHICH ONE IS BETTER
29. Lips or eyes => eyes
30. Hugs or kisses => hugs
31. Shorter or taller => taller unless i wear killer heels.*smirks. find me a guy shorter than me and i'll find you an elixer for permanent longevity.
32. Romantic or spontaneous => BOTH. i want my cake and eat it.
33. Sensitive or loud => sensitive
34. Trouble maker or hesitant => neither. i hate ppl who gives me headaches and dont dare to do what they want to do

HAVE YOU EVER
35. Kissed a stranger => nope
36. Drank bubbles => does bubble tea count?
37. Lost glasses/contacts => i need my specs.. so i try not to lose them..
38. Ran away from home => almost
39. Liked someone younger => yes
40. Liked someone older => if older is a few years...then i suppose so
41. Broken someone's heart => oops a daisy. your heart's slippery
42. Been arrested => NOOO
43. Cried when someone died => hMmm
44. Liked a friend => i like strangers better?

DO YOU BELIEVE IN
45. Yourself => yes yes yes.
46. Miracles => sort of.
47. Heaven => is there cream cheese there?
48. Santa claus => sort of.
49. Angels => ??

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY ~*
50. Is there one person you want to be with right now => nopes
51. Do you believe in God => nope sry.

contemplative

being extremely numb and detached of late. been wondering if i should stay. but the promise binds me. i'm determined to keep this promise, even if i look like a fool.
i have no one to talk to. no free time except when you're at lessons. you dont understand me. i guess it's not your fault. even my mum gets exasperated at times.

but now the chance has arrived. i dont want to be enslaved to my heart anymore. love shouldnt be the reason i keep forgiving and bowing my head to your reprimands and demands. if you cannot comprehend the value of compromise, i cant help you any more.

to put it harshly, i dont know if you love me enough to compromise on your life. it's not about accomodating me totally. it's about whether you are willing to put up another person in your life and making things work out.

i dont want to apologise for your mistakes and watch how you turn all wrongs into rights without a bat of an eyelid

just cos im dead bored.




Created by OnePlusYou - Free Online Dating




Created by OnePlusYou - Free Online Dating



Created by OnePlusYou - Free Online Dating

everytime i stare at this blank slate, my mind just turns into a puddle of nothingness.


very happy for my 21st birthday. *hugs to von, gl, wl, xt for celebrating with me on friday=) the ice cream cake was totally sinful! haha.

haha the adidas watch isnt 100% like this. the watch face sides are metal. this is the big version. mine's the smaller one cos my hand's small! i love my sis. even though i think she smells. hahahahaha. just kidding.

SZ series. magnesium alloy cover. interesting texture. 2GB ram. 160GB HD. T8100 2.1GHZ windows vista business. wireless AGN. inbuilt webcam. nvidia graphic card. 13.3 inch and weighs a nifty 1.9kg=)

rose gold and white gold. so delicate i dont dare to wear it! =)=)

lotsa love to my family! haha. my mum got me a bracelet, my sis got me an adidas watch, my dad got me a VAIO. how cool is that. yeah!

it's that little warm fuzzy feeling inside:)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i didnt win 4D! so annoying haha. my birthdate opened on sunday. what the hell what the hell. *curse swear. my luck was that my birthdate actually opened.. but i didnt seize opportunity of it. WHY DIDNT I THINK OF IT. this always happen to me. life gives me oranges but i have no idea how to make orange juice.

haha. funny. bored. goodfreind's (there is no spelling error) off to indo.. just came back from m'sia snorkelling. i wanna see pics. you forgot my birthday you dumbass. haha. good to have someone to take your mind off things. come back faster before you go NS!

you only want it when it's over. so what's the point? power? strength? dominance? to prove that as long as you have the ability to do such a thing? just because you feel like it?


hidden beneath all that vengence. where are you? as time pass on, you grow darker, more sinister. where are you? where have you gone?


even if i get a million bucks, i still will not be happy. all i want is to see you happy. just for 24 hours. even if it's fabricated. the truth hurts.


there's no such thing as love. it's only power and serving the strong.

my head hurts. i really dont want to be doing projects the next few days. super annoying. it'll just be a freaking waste of time and everything. i've had enough of doing projects with all these people.

hug me?

it's about finding someone you cant live without, not someone you can live with.
you can live with me, but you can also live without me. i've been a fool for more than two years. a big big silly fool. i thought that you will learn to get over her and keep me within your heart. in the end, you still cant get her out of your life, out of your mind and all i am is just a speck in the corner. maybe i do look like a replacement tire. hMm. you only look for me when you feel like it. the world is cruel indeed. the biz sch advocates coldness of the heart. maybe it's time i learnt that.
when i promised you i wont go anymore, i mean it. i guess i owe you too much. and this is retribution. no matter how hard i tried to avoid this previously, it always occurred. you cant run away from your destiny. maybe mine's to be your plaything, your servant and worthless in your eyes.

love really is blind. blind to all faults.

how to seriously, honestly, delicately contemplate a chocolate.

use two fingers to pinch the sides gently. lift it out of its container. scrutinize it up, down , left right. make sure it's perfect. slowly place it on your tongue. CLOSE YOUR MOUTH. swirl it around in your mouth. chew it, ponder it, contemplate its smooth texture as well as the curt taste of cocoa. let it linger before continuing its journey down into your stomach.
feel the euphoria charging up your soul.

ok. i'm seriously just bored.


chocolate makes you happy!

sigh. i dislike the part about having to spend my birthday the way my family wants it. i told them i'll want to eat with them. but i never said ON MY birthday ITSELF. but family comes first, and you taught me so.

to a friend whom i havent seen for years.

actually i understand where you're coming from. i feel the same way. if there was an option, i would probably do the same thing you did. except i dont have the courage, determination you have. i fear. and fear i did. it's hard to accept that people change over time. it's harder to accept that you simply just don't love the person anymore. it's not that you don't care. it's that feeling isnt there anymore.

and you wonder after all that everyone's gone through. all the hard times, the tears and sweat, you thought everything will mend itself sooner or later. but no, the cracks just get bigger and bigger.

just to let you i understand, even though he doesnt.

~


i tried to mend it. i tried to bite back my feeling and tears to accomodate you. you never actually tried. you blamed it all upon me. somehow if it failed, it's my fault, not yours.

when i look into your eyes, sometimes i see hurt, sometimes i see annoyance, sometimes i see a faint glimmer of love. mostly i see resignation.

i know im wrong to keep threatening to leave. but i've never actually had to courage to. you never really tried to solve the problem. you merely avoided it. i know im unreliable. but have you actually appreciated all the times i saved your arse?

looking back, there was a lot of things we did to make sure we did not just pack up and leave. on your side and on mine. until you figured i wouldnt leave and you stopped being nice. and when you realised i have the full capability to just pack up and go, you turned nastier.

being kind doesnt mean anything anymore. when i'm try to be nice and put you before myself, i get scolded. even though i get myself into a mess sometimes, i made the effort to save you instead of myself.

maybe in your eyes im just the kid running your errands and doing your legwork, im always stupid and troublesome.

i dont deny that all the times we've spent the past few years have always been on my mind. it will always be part of me and you. afterall, you're the one that taught me how to love, how to give without receiving. and you're the one who showed me hurt as well.

i'm contented with what you've given me so far. but i'll be happier if you could be happy as well.


im here to stay. but if we want to mend what's wrong, i need your help as well. dont give up. dont get angry. i'm still here by your side, unless you want to quit.



the little world of mine

i hope everything's gonna be okay.


kinda hooked on this website: www.maggiemarket.com.
darn gl for intro-ing me.
basically it has really time-killing games. brainless. mindless but entertaining nonetheless. requires many fast clicks on the mouse and many squeals.

try it. it makes you happy.

love knows not its depth till the hour of separation

even if you're in the wrong, he should be there holding your hand, hugging you, asking you what's wrong and wanting to work it through.

instead it's me who does that.

i'm leaving to find myself. to find the person i lost at the door of business school. to shed the person whose values are moulded by the corporate world. to lose the person i became through sheer necessity and the person i grew into just to accomodate everyone.

it's my life. i should be the person i want to be. there is no more final call to you. if you dont want to tell me what's wrong and refusing to make it work out, there is no point anymore. it takes two hands to clap. even if i want to make a wrong into a right, i cant succeed if you dont try too.

if you think im not good enough, i produce lousy work.. i ask you, have you ever tried to tell me what's wrong? have you ever tried to help me with my work? have you ever reassured me?

if it's really as what you claim, everything wrong is my fault. then it's best that i go. it's not that i have a lot of time to fight with you nowadays. you're picking my little faults here and there and everywhere every half an hour. im not perfect but you dont have to magnify it.

and, if you think i really dont mind you calling me dumb. think again.

if you see this and still think you have done nothing wrong, then dont ever look for me again unless it's with regards to fyp.

next time, i'll do everything myself
your words cut through the silence, cut through my heart.

i never expected the student lounge to be so crowded. too close for comfort i must say. people sleeping, doing project, doing fyp. and what im doing? simply wasting time away. my head hurts probably due to
1) lack of sleep
2) bad posture .. cos it's all sofas and no tables
3) hunger
cant exactly leave my poor laptop alone while i go get food can i? hate it when im all alone and have no one to lunch/dinner with me. i never end up eating anything. why? i hate eating alone. i'll rather eat on the go, eg running with a container of mee siam. done that, tried that, had fun =)



sometimes i feel like a lonely sheep. i dont know where im going.i dont know where the path takes me. my frustrations echo in the silence. my back turned upon the light. they dont understand that it's lonely having to smile while your heart's broken. they dont understand how hard it is. they dont understand that time alone, is energy consuming. im not a natural self-entertainer. sometimes im just a nomad. shuttling between the parcels of time and space. shuttling between my two selfs.
i cant split myself into two. but somehow this world requires me to be
-harsh, bitter, calculative
and yet
-soft, kind, amiable, understanding and brutally accomodating.

the conflicts will never end. the side that dominates will determine my future. while you walked further down the path, i stayed at the forked route, wondering which way to procede.

chanced upon this photo. kinda like it. too tired. if your other half's younger than you, expect to baby him.

transient reminiscences 2008 is over. that's pretty fast. time to clear all the backlogged homework. time to give people a piece of my mind.

still really tired. unable to keep my mind open throughout the day.
although my head is filled with the following thoughts:

1) accounts closing
2) accounts closing
3) markstrat
4) aa102
5) blasted goodyear blasted macs
6) IMC audit
7) PA. omgwth.

SLEEP. i ponned 213 halfway to sleep. scooted back with pig and both of us slept till 230. den rushed for lesson.. and more project meetings.

need a break to get back in sync with school work. my eyes cannot open le...
will update with pics soon=)


ugh. somehow i look a lot like my sis in photos.



need it....

hallucinating. seeing cockroaches everywhere. maybe not. apparently someone's house DOES have a nest of cockroaches deep within the cupboards filled with can food and plenty instant noodles. the cockroach's fast, FAST and gleams a dark disgusting brown.

still pondering about the ipod touch. *wonders and ponders.

stoning at s3.1 now. bored stiff. cant really sleep cos my back hurts if i try to sleep in a sitting position. i look like crap. hair sticking out at all odd angles and turning panda-ish. zzzz

nearly vomitting blood these few days. coughing up blood sometimes. i mean literally blood. can taste it in my throat. ew. gross. maybe i overworked my lungs or something. aiya. one of these days i'm gonna die of something nasty. maybe i'll prefer to die of chcolate overload. sounds good doesnt it?

sleep deprivation isnt good for the soul. makes me crazy. not like im very sane to begin with.




if im fatter i'm gonna look like a panda.

i like this photo alot. the scenery is nice. the faded redness of the leaves with the vibrant green.

discovered a new obsession. budweiser. love its taste. please stop me from guzzling.

still pondering if i should get an itouch. not actually wondering if it's worth it but more of the opportunity cost.

buy an iTouch = less money for shopping. less money for whatever nonsense like my occasional eeyore craze. less money to eat. less money to shop overseas. someone rob a bank for me quick quick!

streaks of red, residue of pain; all borne of hurt.

down this spiralling road to nowhere.

i tell you, leave before i cause you more grief.

i say, leave before i cause you more pain.

i sigh, leave before i destroy the both of us.

i concede, go before it's too late.

you never needed to bear the burden of my pain, my future and my temper.

run. as fast the wind can bring you.

neglect:
–verb (used with object)
to pay no attention or too little attention to


i guess im too caught up with my own work to really take care of you nowadays. hiaz. just want to let you know that i still care and i'm still here.





3 more weeks till this madness is over.

somehow all the hurt hidden deep within myself surfaced within my unconscious recently. i know i forced myself to bury the pain deep within. if you asked, i'm happy, contented, but with a slight whiff of discomfort. i guess i never realised how far i'm actually gone to appear happy, to seem cheerful. but when it all surfaces, it feels like im unleashing something really dark, conceited and full of vengence.

i realised why recently i dislike to read fiction. fiction is having to put yourself into the story, plunging headlong into the plot. that is what i dislike. i'd rather keep my stoic-ness. the lack of emotions is easier to deal with than a flood of something you cant control. i dont like to be caught up inside a story. it makes me ponder too much and unnecessarily. i'd rather be keep so busy i dont have time to think. it makes the day pass faster and the nights bearable. i'll be so tired i dont have the time to think or reflect.

i like non fiction books. that's where i seek my numerical explanation for why everything is the way it is. at least i think i know.



do you love me?
silence

2.10am and doing markstrat. oh goodness this is painful. lin's mugging for her astro quiz. and i'm starving. this semester is painful with all the projects that are so freaking unfulfilling. i think i'm just going to snooze on my table till 7am then it's time for lesson again.

i hate vday. not because i dont have anyone to spend it with. but because i'm so used to the fact that vday = buy things and give ppl and receive something nice in return

i learnt my lesson. buy things and give ppl doesnt equal to receive something nice in return. in fact, if my gift gets appreciated, it's considered very good.

this year, no expectations. i guess i kinda got inculcated with the vday idea cos in sec sch, we just buy buy buy, give give give and receive receive receive. you happy i happy we happy. end of story. we go home and gorge ourselves silly on chocs.



it's cold. remind me next time to wear tees with sleeve to sleep. dont try to change my mind abt sleeping with longer pants. i only accept fbt (or shorter) oh goodness. where are my moral values.

my english is horrendous. my chinese is horrendous. my life is horrendous. PUUUIII.

ultimately bored.roars.

i kinda need to shout out: THIS IS NOT A FOOD BLOG.
ok. not that anyone has complained whatsoever. but just feel like eating a strawberry/blueberry/LEMON LEMON LEMON tart whenever i see my own blog name.
lemon tarts are so good. the acidity of lemon mixed with the sweetness of the crust.. topped with a sugar dusting. ah. heaven. that's why a lemon is a tart. (ok nvm if you dont understand.)
maybe i'll just post some pictures.. cos accounting 2 discussion absolutely murdering my brain cells and i was engaged in another brain cell killing exercise before that.

that aside.. here are some pics to tell you more about who i am, who crap i say and what the heck i've been doing for the past 20 odd years of my life.

when im really really fed up with school work and co stuff and when my right side doesnt like my left side, i play this really lame game called maplestory. whereby i go on the game.. find other friends to talk to. my main character is called a priest. why? cos it earns freaking loads of money easily. and funds everyone else.. the dragon knight, the page, the assasin, the bandit and the ice lighting. wow. i have many accounts. but rest assure, i dont maple as frequently as you think i do. i renounce my position as maple-siao. the character on the left is my character in case you havent figured. the one on the right is half mine. cos i take it out for a walk once a while. both characters are 8x going on 9x. and gk, if u see this, my characters don't like each other sadly. the dk thinks the priest prints money and the priest thinks the dk is .. a puny little guy carrying an oversized toothpick.

my neighbours do have a habit of displaying their kids' school shoes on ledges. a very zoom-ed in and close up shot. i didnt take this. the voyeur and bored sister did it. i swear the shoes are white-washed as well. the ol' primary school days. i wore nikes in sec sch. HAHAHAHA. fake ones which half the world was wearing too. nike was very 'in' last time. i had this nike bag which i loved to bits..(literally cos it's in bits now) and used it for 4 years. nowadays i change bag every other month or something like that.

i live freaking near vivocity. ENVY ME. haha. love the place loads. my shopping haven. pull and bear, GAP, mango, zara, fox.. yeah baby. im a shopping freak and i dont bat an eyelid spending 30 odd on a tee. (of cos not when mummy's swiping her card) just kidding. i pay my own expenses. my only annoyance is that topshop/forever21.. clothes i can never wear. dont hate me for being scrawny. i hate buying bottoms. never can fit properly. btw, i discovered zara kids.. which has pants that are to-die-for. and dresses dresses dresses! siao. i never wear dresses.

beijing 2007. NO LEFT TURN! but who cares.. honestly. buses U-turn in the midst of a junction..ahh i miss shopping in beijing. but the sweltering heat in summer really kills. i love their road signs. it's quirky. and qingdao's traffic lights.. damn cool. and the qingdao beer. everyday one bottle. ah my liver.

japan 2006. disneyland. went broke there. like seriously spent my yen there till i went nuts with all the mickey mouse minnie mouse and pooh bear. taken on the pooh's hunny hunt ride. it was all in japanese and i cldnt understand a single thing. but i like it! cos it's pooh and friends. so there. bleahx. goodness. im so childishly mature. what an oxymoron. screw it mh, stop treating me like a kid and turning around to chide me for being childish, you good. you wait. i hate your credit cards.

love is indeed a very complex thing. btw, i'm a very good counsellor and listener and give great advice... hahahahhaha. i'm well versed in anything that can be pulled outta thin air.



all in all.. have fun!

5 centimeters per second


how far would you go for the one you've been looking for?

how will you write a happy ending?

slice of tart. you may ponder, what does it mean? tart--> food? perhaps.
no matter, let's no dwell too much on something that may not be of considerable importance in future. chinese new year's well into its 3rd day. this year's kinda less bitey than the previous one. no fights, no nasty scratches. ate too many pineapple tarts this year..sudden inspiration to gobble everything.

i feel like a fat turkey. but it's not xmas so dont kill me.

i want the samsung mp3 t10! hahaha.. actually torn between that and the ipod nano. sheesh.

discovered something kinda psychotic-whee-silly stuff. salad fingers! this little cute cartoon thingy that doesnt make any sense. but hey, when have i made any sense?

and in case you're wondering, i suck at tagboards n its etc. so im not having any of that. either leave comments.. or just dont bother. hahahhaha. im that lazy. oops.

anyways.. happy new year! =)